Monday, March 26, 2007

No Mo Hatin'

Well, there was some gnashing of teeth and busting of ideological bubbles with the last post, so here it goes. I now love all patients. Yes I said it . But with the weekend over I've had time to reflect. I have to look to the future. There is much to be learned from each and every one of them.

From the mother of the healthy child with a runny nose-How to continuously take my nurses' attention away from the MI in bed 8 to ask "How much longer?"

From the drunk in bed 3- How to make the already anxious little girl with a laceration cry by constantly yelling "f**k you mother f**ker".

From the family of the gentleman with psychosomatiform illness- How to berate the doctors and nurses for not being able to do "nuthin" for him, despite his being seen by 5 specialists in the past year.

From the family of the elderly man who has been sick for 3 years- How to look incredulous at the doctor and belittle the hospital staff that they can't solve his medical malady at 3:00 a.m.

Seriously though, I don't hate any patients. Life is too short. And I know that one day as I get old or infirm or sick, I or my family will be able to use these techniques, which, in the past, were inexcusable, have now become accepted and tolerated, and I am sure the way things are going, in the future will be encouraged. So I got that going for me.


  1. Tell it like it is, my friend. I have decided to love everyone as well: it's very easy when your 'patient' is a segment of transverse colon.

  2. me too. i love everybody. but, schrodinger's cat, please don't come to my ED as a patient. i might have to give you 100 units of sub-q insulin to the fleshy part of the heel. hey path guy, could you pick that up on autopsy?

  3. I would overlook the heel stick for a blowj*b.

  4. uh, never mind. i think those services can be obtained for about $20 at your neighborhood crack-house.

    just a question though, theoretically speaking of course, if i did this service for you would it make me gay?

  5. If by 'gay', you mean 'happy', then yes.

  6. Baby, ya just gotta walk into the ER at the beginning of your shift and say: "Ahh, I love the smell of betadine in the morning"---and all will be well...