Monday, April 14, 2008

Dannon Activia Yogurt and Bifidus Regularis

With Dannon's Activia yogurt doing so well because of their addition of a 'probiotic' bacteria called Bifidus Regularis, I have decided to pitch the meth lab equipment I had stored in the garage. I am setting up my own 'probiotic' lab in the garage to see if I can find an even better bacteria to help keep those bowel movements regular. I am pretty sure I could sell it for millions, maybe billions of dollars.

Here are some names I have been throwing around in my head for my new, improved, scientifically-engineered, probiotic bacteria. Let me know what you think. Feel free to add your own suggestions.

Shittus Frequencis
Poopus Perpetuous
Crapus Awesomis
Excrementus Incredibalis
Stoolus Colossalus
Dungus Titanicus
Meadow Muffin Astronomicus
Cow Pieus Habitualis


  1. hey lofty,
    get in line. the poopstrong organization is way ahead of you BUT, if you did come up with something that in vitro looked poop-o-genic then you might be able to strike a deal with them and join forces. i think they are making millions with their products. and obtw, thanks for stomping on my 'ironic' post, that was GOLD i tell you! GOLD jerry!

    suggestions for names?
    the fecal impaction bomb
    roto rooterius
    digitalus rectalus bacterioso
    happy colon
    the colon vac
    BPCG (bacterial propelled colon grenade)
    or, like the rest of this,
    this doesn't work but please pay us

  2. How about cockycoccal glorious?

  3. how bout....
    smellslikus cdiffius

  4. "BPCG (bacterial propelled colon grenade)"

    This one is my favorite by far.

    I was thinking of:
    Craptobacillus brownium

    Have you seen this from Mad TV?

  5. I cannot effing believe people think Bifidus Regularis is a real name for a yogurt bacteria. C'mon people, it even sounds fake. Everytime I see whats-her-face sitting on the couch lightly touching her abdomen looking so serious, I throw up a little in my mouth (a little crap in the pants however would be more suitable).

    My fav for the moronic public would be Crapus Incredibalis.

  6. lofty,
    careful with those meth chemicals dude!

  7. how about, for those (hopefully) rare occasions where your BPCG goes off before you hit the john, how about:
    ooppsyies daisyios
    or, cleanupyourownmessalreadyioso

    Good question, by the way. It's got me thinking. (I need to decorate my bathroom.)

  8. You're so mellow, Richter! (-:

  9. Anul action- pactilus

  10. Lofty: To reduce overhead you can reuse the lab equipment if you just include the mandatory allergy information:
    "Was manufactured on equipment also used to make methamphetamines."

  11. How about:

    credulus cretinus nonshitalis


    *big breath*





    *insert ironic, pithy comment here*


  13. Geez, whats with patients preoccupation with stools?? Thats why people go into radiology and anesthesia, to avoid patients bringing them fresh stool samples at 4:59 pm. Never understood the attraction of yogurt, I prefer to avoid bacteria whenever possible, a vacuum packed slim-jim is fine thank you.

  14. Eat your vegetables, Frank. My corpse will be prettier than yours.

  15. Actually devorrah, Frank's corpse will be beautifully preserved due to the preservatives in the junk food he eats while yours will, well there's no pretty way to say this...

  16. Do you guys know if that's really true that our bodies decompose more slowly due to the preservatives we eat? Or is is alarmist propaganda? Not that I really care about the rate of my personal decomposition.

    Devorrah, how's your son't tattoo?

  17. Ohhh that's what the bifidus regularus means LOL!! Why don't cha just say it make you go poopus in the toiletularis. Sorry I am a not a medicus doctorus. Not even in the medical field, just am a visitor who enjoys your blog!!

  18. It's fine, Amy, thanks--he got it treated. Here's the tattoo story: He was bleeding out after the accident, being rushed into the OR. He was getting hysterical,and I was searching my mind for something that I could tell him to calm him down and reduce his heart rate. Thinking that he would never survive anyway, I said, "When you get out of here you can get a tattoo." Worked like a charm--he went into surgery with a smile on his face. His father said, "You told him WHAT?!" When he was ambulatory he got his tattoo--it was of my name. Unfortunately that was only the FIRST tattoo...

  19. devorrah: You're so mellow, Richter! (-:
    Thanks! I've spent the last 4 hours breathing fire, and spewing it out all orifices, so I do feel pretty calm now.
    (What am I supposed to say???? Richter refers to the earthquake strength scale, and I would probably measure pretty high on it. I picked that name for a reason. I mean, I got banned over at Panda Bear's comments after less than a week, and threatened here in my first comments section, after being told that they don't ban anybody, so I figure that I picked an apt name. Apparently all I do is breathe fire and shake the earth.) (Yes, I am angry IRL.)

  20. Richter, did you know "Richter" means "erection" in German?

  21. frank: no.
    I don't speak German.

  22. Ahh, du kleine Kaninchen, my bad, it means "Judge"

  23. if I were to pick a language (that I don't speak), I was thinking of Richter in Russian.
    There is a Russian musician named Richter, and if you ever get ahold of any recording of him playing, he sounds like a force of nature. Listening to him, you lose the fact that you are hearing music, and just hear .... metaphor? or emotion? or power? or ???? I'm stumbling for words, but at any rate, you lose yourself in his music - you lose yourself into whatever he is saying or doing or thinking or spewing with his music. (I mean that as a POSITIVE, but OTOH, maybe don't listen to it for the first time when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable.)

  24. I think Ted Nugents better.

  25. Ted Nugent? Who is that?
    Also, are you trying to tell me to change my name?

  26. He's a rocker. Just googled him. Frank: what songs do you recommend? maybe I need to get educated about Ted Nugent.

  27. His music sucks actually, well it has since 1981. His claim to fame is hes one of the few heavy metal artists who didn't use drugs and is a republican. I have a nostalgic thing cause I saw him at the only rock concert I ever went to, Cal Jam 2 in 1978. He came out wearing a loincloth and shot a flaming arrow into the sky. His top charting record was "Cat scratch Fever" but take a listen to "Terminus Eldorado" a little ditty about a young lady who steals her daddies cadillac.

  28. Dude Frank. I was a baby when you went to that concert. Hahahah.

  29. That means you're older than my wife!! I know, I'm an old fart, it sucks.

  30. Hey is she from Eldorado TX? And does she wear a high collar dress?

  31. No, Long Island, that high collar Mormon style is pretty hot though.

  32. Come on now. Those people are not Mormons. And I've never met a Mormon who wears the high collar style. Ok, well maybe some did in the 80's.

  33. Amy & Frank: What's the high collar style? Can you describe it more, or post a picture? If the Mormons show up at your door, will they be wearing it? I thought they just wore those name tags, and that's how you'd know they weren't Jehovah's Witnesses or vacuum cleaner salesmen, or encyclopedia salesmen.

  34. Frank: just listened to Terminus Eldorado. There's too much guitar for me. Also, I think I'm just too young. I'm used to a more electronic/synthesized sound - that sounded pretty acoustic. Like, I could imagine the song being played IRL while listening to it, as opposed to trying to imagine the recording studio and all the equipment that was necessary to synthesize the "song". So I agree with you, Ted Nugent's music sucks. (Do all this songs sound the same, like that one?)

  35. Bifidus is an actual name for a probiotic put in some yogurts. It's the regularis part of it that was made up as a marketing ploy. That way Dannon can say that no other yogurt has what theirs does. And charge way more than say, Stoneyfield Farms does for it's yogurt. Dannon is thus lying, but people are too gullible to notice.

  36. So "bifidus" is the genus of a real bacteria placed into yogurt? But "regularis" is the fake part?

  37. So when I saw the Activia packaging and then saw the downward arrow, I thought, ooh, gross, something that you eat that is designed to make you crap. How can someone in their right mind actually eat a product that has the end goal of crapping? Last time I checked, when you eat, you crap. Not if, but when. So am I to assume that with the downward arrow on Activia it will happen much sooner? How exactly is this a benefit? Seriously? If I need to crap sooner, I can just jump up and down or go jogging. Or drink some coffee. I dont see coffee with a downward arrow. I can just see the marketing...drink coffee so you can unload quicker in the morning. Right.

    Why isnt life simpler, like yogurt just marketed as yogurt rather than this probiotic nonsense being equated with enhanced bowel movements? If someone is backed up, couldnt they just get an enema and leave the yogurt alone, as a pleasant food rather than something associated with colon blow?