Tuesday, July 10, 2007

How Not to Die

Do not be a local policeman and a closeted gay transvestite with a wife and kids. Do not go to the local gay bar dressed as a woman with wig, fake boobs, stiletto heels, and mascara on. Do not have a fatal heart attack while sitting at the bar. Do not be brought in by ambulance to the E.D. where your colleagues who have heard of your emergency are anxiously waiting to find out how you are doing. That, my friends, is how not to die.


  1. Amen. Never so anything that you wouldn't want people to see in the ED

  2. Ya know what...screw the ED. If he wanted to cross dress, have a homosexual experience, etc. then just let him do it. As professionals, we need to let HIPPA rule in this case. Don't tell the "well wishers and loved onces" what you saw. Tell them that he died doing what he enjoyed.

    Call me Pollyanna, and don't give me a lecuture on "how I know how things really are." You're right, I do know how things really are. I know how he'll be laughed at when his pretty panties are cut of and how the chuckles will start when is VS bra is cut to ruins. I've seen it. I've done the cutting; I don't do the laughing.

    My wish is that the patient had the guts to tell his wife prior to the event. Who knows, maybe they had an arrangement. NOBODY knows what goes on behind closed doors.... NOBODY!

  3. uh... what? first of all, as is clear from my disclaimer, all patients are anonymous.

    secondly. no one was laughing, it was more of a collective "oh my goodness, how do we keep his family from seeing him like this?"

    thirdly, this post is in strict compliance with HIPPA. if you can find out who this patient was then please let me know.

    fourthly, you imply that the patients actions and choices need no justification and then proceed to opine that he and his wife may have had an arrangement which would have excused his actions. huh?

    but finally, since the gist of your comment seems to be not to judge this poor gentleman as it is wrong to do so may i point out that THE WHOLE OF YOUR POST IS A SNAP JUDGEMENT ON ME. classic.

  4. I've never seen or heard any ER staff laugh at the expense of someone who died, ever. Sort of makes me question the honesty of the previous commenter. Or at least the professionalism of her former colleagues.

    Now if he'd lived, we would have laughed our asses off as soon as he left and for years afterward. That's the way it is.

  5. I don't know know how your ED is set up, but it is possible at ours to wait outside for an ambulance to arrive, and be there when the patient exits the vehicle. While a civilian wouldn't be allowed to do this, I doubt a police officer would be told to leave as long as they weren't in the path of the gurney. Once a patient arrives, it's all about them, and privacy is secondary to any lifesaving procedures. It could be a few seconds before that curtain is pulled.

    And guys, it's HIPAA, for chrissakes!


  6. you DON'T laugh at dead people? If I didn't, my job would probably lead to uncontrolable rocking behavior or a gun in my mouth. Then again, thats why they put me in the basement and don't let me interact with patients.

    MOW: Let's say I'm into autoerotic asphyxiation and EVERYONE is OK with it, I still don't want to be found dead, with my cock in hand and a belt around my neck - it just isn't dignified. Funny, yes, but not dignified.

  7. This reminds me of parents' admonitions to wear clean underwear always because you never know when you might end up at the hospital. I remember, when I heard this, wondering why, if I arrived at the hospital bloodied, the hospital staff would even notice whether my underwear was pristine. But I can tell you that from now on I'll keep my toenails trimmed. Arriving at the emergency room via an ambulance knowing my toenails needed trimming could have been embarrassing if I'd been conscious! By the time I headed for home (after surgery) I realized my entire focus had been on doing whatever I needed to do to go home, and I also noticed that staff were most focussed on that as well. Should they have enjoyed a yuk or two over my untrimmed toenails, well, they earned their pleasure. They were the best.

  8. Doc 911 and ethotepi:

    I cetaintly did not intend to be judgegmental on either of your posts; but I can see how that can be taken and for that I'm sorry.

    I'm simply saying, can we no let those who die while engaging in alternative life styles die with just a little dignity.

    I certainly apology if you think the whole post was a judgement of you; it was not.

    Oh and Ethothepi.... point well taken.

    I will bow to both of your expertise in this situation and rethink mine.

  9. Well, if any of my patients showed up dressed as a woman and were celestially discharged, they'd be wearing a hospital gown (no bra), a wig, and lipstick/mascara at the time of death. If the family shows up and is shocked at both the death and the presence of feminine characteristics, that's the patient's fault for being a secretive a-hole. Nothing we can do about it.

    I'm not going to take it upon myself to make the patient look like a man when obviously he wanted to look like a woman. That's none of my bidniss.

  10. Puts a new twist on "Always wear clean underwear." Perhaps it should be changed to "Always wear gender appropriate clean underwear." Oh wait, guess that wouldn't work in this case either.... would it?

  11. MOW: If by 'expertise' you mean I must be into choking myself while whacking off, then, yes, I'm an expert. The dude from INXS is my hero.

  12. If by 'expertise' you mean I must be into choking myself while whacking off, then, yes, I'm an expert.

    I'm sure the chicks dig ya -1. I know I'm interested as of right now.

  13. It doesn't matter what city you live in...weird shit happen's. Poor wife...even if she knew his "habit's" she might not have wanted to explain it to anyone...and hey...maybe he was "under-cover"!

  14. 911 Doc -- Thanks for the dirty comment you left on my blog. It didn’t help my rating but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Maybe some pictures next time? I had to Google KLUVER-BUCY SYNDROME -- "oral tendencies" isn't necessarily a bad thing, is it?

  15. dear MBA,
    you are quite welcome. i tried to find a wife with kluver-bucy syndrome but they are as rare as diamonds.

  16. Errrmm diamonds are not as rare as De Beers would wish. Now hens teeth are I believe. :-)
    I prefer my women lucid and with all faculties intact as well. Conversation is very often more satisfying than a brief physical experience... especially in reverse order... :-)
    I always wear clean undies as advised by Terry Prachett...