Momma's in Triage

I joke around with my nurses about this, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Put my mom in triage, and watch the ED become an ED again. You know, like the old days on Emergency when they would wheel into Rampart with a diaphoretic construction worker they had just hung D5 on. (They always used D5)


You see, although she has no medical training per se, what she does have is some common sense, experience (she raised 7 kids, and before that her own family after her mom died), and balls. No, she isn't a hermaphrodite, but she is stubborn as a mule, and crazy like a fox-or maybe just crazy. And for better or for worse, she usually tells people how it is, or at least how she sees it. And in a community like ours, word would get around quickly that a " crazy lady is in triage, and we better find some other care, or better yet, go to our doctor (imagine that)".


Here's why it would work. She spent the better part of 27 years raising 7 kids, all of whom lived to graduate college. We were poor but did have insurance, as mom worked as a teacher full time. We got all of our immunizations, routine checkups were done, and believe it or not we survived all the normal childhood illness, sometimes with 3-4 kids sick at the same time. Occasionally we went to the doctors office, and even more rare was the ED visit. Probably 10 TOTAL visits for 7 kids over 27 years. These were usually for broken bones, turning yellow (my brother became very jaundiced with Hep A), lacerations or partial amputations. I guess she realized what was and was not an Emergency, or maybe just read the definition in the Dictionary- an unexpected situation (common colds and runny noses are expected) or sudden occurrence (back pain from a rear end MVA in 1994 is not sudden) of a serious and urgent nature that demands immediate action.


Now, there would be checks and balances, and if she was unsure about whether someone had a sudden occurrence of a serious and urgent nature that demanded immediate action she would ask one of the nurses on duty that would also take vitals. But my guess is she would be pretty good. She would require the "it's a spider bite " folks to bring in the "spider". She would tell the penis drip folks to put on a condom and go to the health dept. Most parents (usually just the mom at our ED) would be told to go home, hold and love their child and give Tylenol for the fever, and yes, there will be nights you don't get to sleep since you made the conscious decision to spread your legs and allow a sperm torpedo to inject you, and no I won't have the doctor give your child something to "get them to sleep". She would give the chronic pain folks a "life's not fair" speech so long and irritating they would never come back. But for most people passing through the door she would simply say, "what the heck is wrong with you to bother my son with this BULLSHIT?". (She may say bull dung).



Is it possible that she would miss something? Sure, but we all do every now and then. If you look at zebra illnesses, many are not an emergency at the initial visit anyway and require follow up visits. Is it possible hospital revenue might drop a little if you turn away paying patients. Possible, but I think it would be worth the risk to allow the focus back on EMERGENCIES (see definition above from American Heritage Dictionary-Second College Edition). But life is full of risks. Could we save lives if the speed limit was 35 EVERYWHERE (42,000 deaths last year). I suspect so. Could we reduce deaths if smoking was illegal EVERYWHERE. I suspect so. But these are not going to happen -you know, that personal responsibility thing and freedom to do and live as you please are still alive and well in this country. That responsibility also includes taking care of yourself, and seeking care at state hospitals, Christian clinics, and the like if you have no money or insurance. Yes, this may take a little effort, but again, life isn't fair. Patients that momma gently "redirected" would be referred to a clinic, family doctor, or health unit. My guess is that if you go back in time and follow people from school age and evaluate the decisions they have made ON THEIR OWN, you'll probably find out they made some bad ones or choose to pay for something else other than insurance (plasma screen, Kool menthols, meth). I shouldn't have to pay for their bad decisions and neither should momma.


Now sit back, be a fly on the wall, and watch momma go to work. Heck, she'd probably do it for free.



Finally I am starting an M.D.O.D. book club. These are not recommendations like Okras book club, this is mandatory reading. (I like calling her Okra)


This time I will start with One Nation Under Therapy by Christina Hoff Sommers. It points out a great deal about what's wrong with our touchy feely bullshit PC culture.


And The Politically Incorrect Guide to Global Warming and Environmentalism by Christopher Horner. Basically Al Gore is a dumb ass windbag eco-socialist.