Sunday, March 25, 2007

"Two Dudes", "Two Beers"

The FBI has issued an all points bulletin for the apprehension of "two dudes", a.k.a. "some dudes", "two huge dudes", "a whole bunch of dudes", "some homies", "those sons of bitches", "some f***ing a**holes", and "these guys". They are responsible for approximately one million assaults in the past two days in every town in America.

Their modus operandi is as follows. They wait for the victim to consume "two beers", "two cocktails", "two glasses of wine", or "two shots of liquor" and then they, for no apparent reason, beat the living crap out of him. Inevitably the victim is assaulted whilst in the midst of "minding his own business".*

They are also under suspicion as accessories to multiple counts of attempted vehicular homicide with the following modus operandi. The "two dudes" mentioned above will buy "two beers" for a hapless female victim and then run her off the road as she drives home.

A large reward is being offered for information leading to the arrest of "two dudes". They are considered armed and dangerous. Multiple descriptions of the perpetrators have been given but the descriptions are so inconsistent that police suspect they are also masters of disguise. Extreme caution is advised if ever approaching "two dudes".

* Thanks to Bard-Parker's comment for this little addition.


  1. Ah yes, the infamous 'two dudes', I have cared for many of their victims.

  2. Those dudes beat up a guy here just the other day. I'll let you know if I see them.

  3. You left out one important detail. The "two dudes" assault only those who were "minding my own business".

  4. A recent study has shown that JACOBS syndrome seems to be a major risk factor for suffering harm at the hands of "two dudes". That's right...Just A Couple Of Beers. When will these people learn that they need to have more than just a couple?

  5. thank you bard-parker, please see the ammended post. you are, of course, correct.

  6. I once had a guy tell me those "two guys" just jumped him for no reason on his porch. "And what were you doing at the time, sir?" Answer- "Reading my Bible."

    well... there you have it.

  7. I met these two-dudes in Kentucky awhile back, They've followed me to Alabama

  8. We knew this as Sumdood syndrome.

    Who beatcha up?


  9. Haha, I live in India, and recently had to go to the Casualty ward, cuz of a fight that I'd got into, when I was, Im afraid, three sheets to the wind.

    Im ashamed to say, that the story I told, was... almost to the word, the same as that described here (though in a different language). Right down to the "two drinks". Sigh... to be made to feel like such a statistic!

    A head CT, and chest x-ray later, and a careful examination by the doctors later, I was fine, if somewhat bruised all over my face. I was discharged with two tablets of diclofenac. Im never drinking again.

  10. "These guys" typically only victimize people whom they identify as hyper-absorbers (non-metabolizer subtype)of ethanol, hence the sky high blood levels after only two drinks.