Thursday, September 25, 2008

In a Word... "Balls"

You are fourteen. You are bleeding from your penis after having sex with your girlfiend. You come into the ER with your mom. She is in the room. I ask you what you were doing when you started bleeding from your penis and you say, "Having sex." Kiddo, you have 'fractured' and lacerated your penis with your poor aim and mighty thrusting maneuvers. I explain this to you and how we will have to fix it (your mom's still in the room) and what do you ask me?? Yes, you ask me, "When can I have sex again?". You win some kind of award... Seriously, you, even though your peepee is broken, have BALLS.

39 comments:

  1. What was he having sex with, a food processor? No respectable, fully operational coochie will cause that type of injury.

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  3. My money's on the glaring possibility that this may not be self-inflicted, aka., his plus sized 9th grade girlfriend may have been on top. Did he jump into that kind of detail?

    Almost forgot, "Happy Recovery Oldfart!" It's just not the same around here, man.

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  4. Perhaps he aimed
    neither high,
    nor low
    but tween,
    where entrance
    wont be seen.

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  5. What is it with the kids today when I was 14 I only had sex with myself, didn't need no stinkin ER either.

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  6. What did his mom say???? Was the kid embarrassed at all?

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  7. Seriously, doesn't it take ummm...a lot of force to fracture your penis. Are you sure they didn't fall or something? You didn't get any more details on how the heck it could have happened?

    Unfortunately as far as the mom goes, too many retarded parents expect their kids to be screwing around.

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  8. Damn it! These are the kinds of parents that make job more difficult for the rest of us...

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  9. Regular sex at 14? Asking how soon he can get after it again?
    Ladies and gentlemen, meet a future president of the United States!

    Comedy Writer Jerry Perisho

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  10. You know, if I put a story like that in my books, my readers would think I was nuts for making up such an implausible story. I'll offer up part of royalties for mom's lobotomy.

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  11. The kid might have a future as a bronc rider (or in this case, a filly rider). when those guys suffer sport related injuries, they always want to know when they can get back on again!

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  12. My question is...what does her um, you know, um, vajayjay, look like? Ground beef?

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  13. "Seriously, you, even though your peepee is broken, have BALLS."

    This quote is making me laugh still!

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  14. I agree with ee. This post is maybe my favorite now.

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  15. OK, now I wasn't the best Anatomy student, but for a fracture don't you need to have a BONE??? And I know all about Rover giving Mother Hubbard a Bone of his own, but thats just a joke, there ain't no Penis Bone. So what was fractured? Do you put it in a cast?

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  16. The shaft contains the corpora cavernosa which is a rigid structure when the penis is erect. So, albeit rare, it is possible to damage it.. thereby 'fracturing' it.

    Surgical repair is the common modality.. All other approaches aren't as straightforward, as is the case with the patient's penis, if they are adopted instead of surgery.

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  17. Frank: remember my son's fall off the cliff? His pubic bone punched holes in his urethra and penis tissue, and they said he had the same type of "broken penis" injury .

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  18. His mom is searching the Internet for a penis sling with a lock and key.

    Comedy Writer Jerry Perisho

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  19. He should warm up with some chopped liver in a jam jar to perfect his thrust in future.

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  20. Yeah Dev but your son did that by accident. Falling off a cliff may do stuff like that. Having sex is not suppose to cause these kinds of injury. Was the child high level retarded? Was the mother?

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  21. OMG! That is hilarious!

    When I was doing my rotations as a lowly intern, I was in a children's ER in Detroit, MI. In came a chubby, shy 6 year old boy and his mother. The boy's complaint: "itchy penis" according to the intake form.
    In I went to do the initial history and exam. I went through the history (nothing interesting, as far as I can remember), and it was time for the exam. Mom said to the frightened boy, "Go ahead, honey, show the pretty doctor your sweet thang." That phrase will be seared in my memory FOREVER.

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  22. The only thing one can say: Fucking Nuts!

    If the dude was all fubar, what did the chick look like? A pound of minute steak thrown into a rodeo arena?

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  23. Hey, they are kids, OK? They are still learning. Next time, he'll take off the girl's chastity belt.

    Comedy Writer Jerry Perisho

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  24. Is it still called the pubic bone if it's not...uh, you know...

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  25. Perhaps you should look up the kids phone number on his registration form and forward it to 911 Doc? I'm sure he has an escort that could.... umm... "gently" coach him in the romantic arts...

    Or maybe he really likes it rough? If so, he needs to stop whining to mommy about it.

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  26. Good grief, what is the world coming to?

    Re drb's comment: that quote is uber disturbing (yet believable).

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  27. Hey 9-11, Speaking of fractured Penis's what about that Georgia-Alabama game??

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  28. frank that's the first low blow i've seen you throw and it does hurt right in the jimmy.

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  29. Ugh...moving to rural Missouri...might not have internet for a while.

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  30. That's ok Amy, we'll search the horizon for smoke signals until you get set up again... :-)

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  31. Yeppers, in my 10 years in the Ed I saw two fx penis' (or would that be penii ?)
    Very bloody and painful for the fellers. Also, the tilt to the kilt was slightly askew....

    Steve

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  32. It might have been the girl's fault: One of my colleagues broke her husband's member when she was on top, and she smashed him on her way down. It's no joke: He had to get a prosthesis and my son is facing microsurgery 18 mos after the accident. My son had so many other injuries that no one noticed it for a long time. Eventually he told me about it two months later.

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  33. Dvr..That sweet thang reference from a mother is one of the creepiest things I have read in blogdom. UGH!

    The following is an excerpt from a post by the Independent Urologist called "5 Ways That Unfaithful Men Get Caught." "Fractured penis: yes, that right,fractured penis. Usually the man is on a business trip, has vigorous sex with a woman and oops, the penis pops out of the vagina, then gets thrust upon her pubic bone. It then bends when it is erect and snaps. This is a medical emergency and I suppose it could be difficult to explain the penile bandage to your wife when you return home."

    What is wrong with that boy's mother? And... who says these things in front of their parents?

    Don't think I want to know about that household. Geez!

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  34. Reminds me of the time I did Pushups, Nude, in the dark. I forgot about the Mousetrap!

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  35. Frank -

    You must really like pushups.

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  36. Thank God it wasn't bears that had been skittering around the house.

    Comedy Writer Jerry Perisho

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