Friday, November 14, 2008

Needed STAT! A Moment of Clarity.

If one were married, and one's wife or husband... let's say wife for the sake of argument, announced one day that she was leaving you for her lesbian lover what would you do? I mean, you are a dude and you can dig on the lesbian thing just a bit but hey, this is your woman! What do you do?

One answer that I would not have thought of is the following. First, open the yellow pages. Second, look up 'sex change'. You soon learn that you can't just get the surgery, there's a whole 'gender reassignment process' and you jump in with both feet (apparently trying to win her back as a soon-to-be female).

Then, one night, you get abdominal pain and you come and see me. I establish, since it is clinically relevant, that you have not, in fact, had the penectomy and vaginoplasty yet, and are merely scarfing down hormones and getting all your facial hair yanked out.

Love does tend to conquer all though, and it was a heartwarming night for all when the pseudo ex-wife (and her current lover... face all a-sparkly with piercings) showed up at your bedside for moral support. No shit. No f***ing shit! Welcome to my world.


  1. Perhaps some current or past lesbian can fill me in on this. But what the fuck is with lesbians and the plethora of facial piercings?

    I could buy the "tactile eroticism" shit, but who fucks someone with their septum and eyebrow? So that's out.

    Seriously. Enlighten me.

  2. Maybe she turned lesbian after he turned gay...At least they have something in common...

  3. Yuck, I think I just threw up a little.

  4. None of the lesbians I know have piercings: Way cool rock climbing gear and nice drum sets, but no piercings.

  5. I am an excellent problem solver/work around the obstacles/try and make things easier for everyone kind of girl but I know for certain I wouldn't change my gender for someone!

    Did you hear the pregnant "man" is pregnant again?

  6. I like the hot lesbians, like you see on TV, not the ones I see in the ED. I would tuck and tape for them. (just kidding, of course).

    Reminds me of a 60 year old guy we saw in residency. Having an MI, took his jeans off to get in a gown to reveal a silk lacy thong. Ask us not to tell his wife. Wacky, wacky world.

  7. Holy crap! You guys get Jerry Springer Live in those ERs!

    Cat, I believe ALL of us enjoy hot lesbians.

  8. I would tuck and tape for them. (just kidding, of course).

    I think just spit my drink all over the screen.

  9. So the "pussification of males" continues in this country!!!!
    Alas, we have lost our way.


  10. I would kick, push, shove, and/or rocket launch my husband out of bed for Angelina......but change my gender.......a line has to be drawn somewhere:-O

  11. Poor 1:08 am Anonymous!

    "I could buy the "tactile eroticism" shit, but who fucks someone with their septum and eyebrow?"

    You're kidding, right? {snicker}

  12. Am I cynical if when you asked "...what would you do?" I immediately thought, "Grab the phone book and find a good lawyer". Keep in mind, I'm still in my early twenties.

    Granted, Lesbianism can be hot...but when one of the Lesbian's face has more hooks than a tackle It's just gross.(And I still don't get why people get piercings(excluding women with their ear lobes) and tattoos, it's always been bizarre to me).

  13. I'm a lesbian, and the only piercings I have are one in each earlobe, just like my girlfriend and all our friends.

    This story is way strange. Your wife is leaving you for another woman, and you think turning into a woman is going to help? Sorry, dude, she's just not into you. Call a lawyer instead of a surgeon. Moron.

    (Also, if you want to have a sex change, no reputable doctor will take your money until you've been through a long-ass psychiatric workup, including living for a year as your new desired sex. It's not like you can just turn into a woman overnight. I find it hard to believe that any shrink would think "Getting my wife back" were a valid reason for surgery. Bizarre.)

  14. Wow. The wonders never cease. Does your brain hurt much?!

    We once had a client come into our law office and show us a picture on his phone. A close up shot of he and his wife having sex. He said he knew it was his penis because of the tattoo....And no, the picture wasn't relevant to his case, although he somehow thought it was. I'm afraid someday I'll be senile and forget my children's names, but never that guy's tattoo...

  15. That's it; if I ever go hungry for filler to my novels, I'll hang out at the ED with you, 911.

  16. dear anonymous lesbian,

    you are correct about the requirements to have gender reassignement surgery. i did not make up any of this story BUT i did speculate as to the reason for the gender reassignment stuff... could be 'he' decided to change and that caused the split up etc... but it doesn't make as much sense.

  17. OMG you have the best blog! I am (merely) a police dispatcher,no medical whatever, sitting here waiting for something to happen and I am laughing so hard at your blog! You don't happen to know House, MD do you? I will never look at my doctor the same way. Instead I will be thinking of you and wondering if she is thinking Like you!! Thanks for the laughs!

  18. well, I'm sure it would be an interesting 3 way...

    and didn't someone post before that for every pig, there's a pig f-er? I suppose for every lesbian wife and her tranny hubby....

    keeps you from thinking you've seen everything in the ER too.

  19. Anonymous lesbian back in the house - sorry, 911DOC, I wasn't trying to imply you were making up the story. I'm just kind of shocked about WTF these people were doing and what kind of shrink would have approved it. I asked a couple of people I know who have actually had the surgery and gone through the whole long process, and they thought it was messed up too. It's one of the weirdest stories I've ever heard.

    Anyway - great blog.

  20. dear anon. lesbian,

    yes, this story even rates at 'weird' on the ER scale. i do not think this person will receive GRS as he seemed a bit less than committed to the whole process. just a gestalt thing on my part.

  21. Dear Anonymous Lesbian,

    How do you and your lovers feel about flash photography and/or web casting in the bedroom?