Tiger Woods Nearly Cut Badly, Stem Cells for Laceration Repairs Fast-Tracked by Obama White House

Tiger Woods suffered 'serious' facial lacerations and 'serious' injuries in a low-speed encounter between his Cadillac Escalade SUV, a fire-hydrant, and a tree. His wife, unable to open any of the doors of the Escalade despite the low impact and lack of air-bag deployment, was forced to help extricate him by swinging a golf club through the window.

Putting aside for a moment the fact that Tiger sees fit to drive a huge, gas-guzzler, we are now all in a dither about his facial lacerations. Rumor has it that 'House, MD' and the guy from that Beverly Hills plastic surgery show were flown to the small hospital where Mr. Woods was cared for.

House, MD demanded, and received, a slurry of fetal stem-cells and body parts to apply to Mr. Woods wounds, and the Beverly Hills plastic surgeon believes he has improved on Tiger's initial appearance with a little nip here and tuck there.

Mr. Woods was also called by President Obama who told him that he was the first recipient of Obama-Care medicine, and that the rest of the country could expect the same level of treatment for their infirmities if only congress will pass his bill. Mr. Woods could not be reached for comment and is said to have rented the late Michael Jackson's oxygen tent to assist in healing.