Thursday, May 06, 2010

You, sir, are guilty of "organ profiling"

This will happen soon...very a hospital near you. Or, at least in a hospital in places like California or Massachusetts.

A 40-year old fat white woman comes into the ER with intermittent right upper quadrant abdominal pain made worse by eating. An astute, well-trained surgeon is summoned and, using common sense, immediately suspects gallstones. An ultrasound confirms the presence of gallstones and the surgeon begins discussing plans for a cholecystectomy with the patient.

The charge nurse, sensing that the surgeon has not followed newly-adopted medical staff bylaw W4356.345,section 4A1a3 contacts hospital administration. The administrator, pulled away from his eighth ultra-important meeting of the day, ambles down to the ER and pulls the surgeon out of the room.

Administrator: Just what do you think you're doing?

Surgeon: What do you mean "what am I doing"? I am planning a cholecystectomy for my patient with gallstones.

Administrator: How do you know other intra-abdominal organs are not, diseased as well? You, sir, are 'organ profiling'.

Surgeon: Well, douchebag, I figured that if it sounds like gallstones, looks like gallstones, and smells like gallstones, then it would be perfectly logical to call the gallbladder the offending organ and deal with it appropriately.

Administrator: You can no longer simply implicate an organ in our hospital without first evaluating all other potentially-involved organs. It's not fair. How do you know, for example, that the spleen is not the problem? Huh? The adminstration here has decided that we do not want to be called 'organists' or anything like that by various organizations that follow this stuff and put pressure on us. Just because the appendix and gallbladder have been shown in many clinical trials to be by far the the most common offenders causing acute abdominal pain, we believe each and every intra-abdominal organ should bear the burden of proving its innocence. There! I have been practicing saying that for months now. Boo yah!

Surgeon: The spleen, like an 80-year old white lady named Agnes driving around Arizona with her freshly-minted Arizona drivers license, is highly unlikely to be the cause of the problem. The gallbladder, let's call it Jose, on my ultrasound study just now, doesn't speak a fucking lick of English and was careening around this lady's abdomen in a beat-up Ford Pinto with seven other Mexicans crammed in the back seat. Common sense. Get it? Much more likely to be the cause of the problem here. I just can't, don't, and won't ever think like you fucking liberal fucks.

Administrator: You just also broke medical staff bylaw Q2346.661,section 2B4b3... professional conduct. You now have two citations and you will be required to meet with the quality committee of the hospital.

Surgeon: Fucking awesome. Who's on the quality committee these days?

Administrator: Well, there are two caucasians, two latinos - one from Guatemala and another from Mexico, an asian, a middle-easterner, and a european who recently emigrated here.

Surgeon: Wow, in our small rural town, that had to be hard to do.

Administrator: (Sighing)...It wasn't easy...I mean, they are all highly qualified people!! In fact, if you don't watch it, we have three surgeons from Mexico that are begging to move here and work in our general surgery department.

Surgeon: Perfect. Why the fuck aren't they here, then?

Administrator: We're having a hell of a time verifying their credentials.


  1. Lofty's in the hizzieeeeee!!!!!!!


  3. I just laughed so hard I almost lost consciousness.

    I've also just added "Doesn't speak a fucking LICK of English" into the inebriated vernacular.

  4. I think it is a worthwhile goal to remove or treat organs in accord with the regional statistics, to finish the year within 2% of the regional averages for each organ.

    What could possibly be the reason for statistical divergence, other than unjustified enthusiasm for a particular organ, or a bias toward fixing the "easier" organ, or a profit motive to fix too many organs? Huh?

  5. Lofty, the REAL 19th Hijacker...

  6. fucking hilarious. profiling is cool. it is necessary and common-sensical.

  7. OY! did you see that???? anonymous is a profiler! help!

  8. This is amazing!