Saturday, June 12, 2010

Etiology of Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Terminal Ennui Discovered

During the course of the nil-nil Uruguay v France tie in World Cup soccer yesterday I contracted end-stage fibromyalgia and fulminant ennui. Arising this morning to the Nigeria v Argentina match I was seized with an irresistible desire to go back to bed. I quickly changed the channel to reruns of curling from the Vancouver games and have recovered fully. I believe have solved a great medical mystery here and await the Nobel Prize committee's phone call.


  1. Theres only 1 cure for Soccer Induced Fibromyalgia...
    Womens Highjumping.
    HIGH jumping, the Long Jumpers Quads are too big, and Pole Vaulting just confuses things with that damn Pole getting in the way. Good luck finding it on ESPN, you'll need Eurovision, the only good thing to come out of Europe since Claudia Schiffer.
    and Lighten up Francis, America Tied the Red Coats 1:1 Yea Democracy!!!!!!!!!


  2. What channel has reruns of curling. I'd watch that right about now.

  3. i like soccer.

    i do think however that any team involved in a nil-nil draw needs to be disqualified and sent home. guess it's the "american" in me.

  4. frank,
    you do love the high jumpers... i remember.

    maybe i was hallucinating again. i'm working on my ptsd story...

  5. Dr. 911...

    Kindly do not be a flippant twit about these terrible afflictions. We are all aware that, by DEFINITION, these have no cure or treatment. The only step that helps in any fashion is oral therapy, wherein the patient moans and complains about their "disease" until all attending health care providers, family members, and friends are ready to stab ice picks in their OWN ears so they do not have to listen to the bitching and whining any longer. *sniff* You just don't UNDERSTAND how hard it is...and it UPSETS these patients to hear about people with minor issues, like four year olds with leukemia or a 36 year old mother of three dying of breast cancer.

    (not) Sincerely,
    Pattie, RN

  6. Patient satisfaction is very important to your future as an emergency physician. All of us know AIDET but perhaps we should be using GETOUTED instead?

    Greet - Say Howdy and eye every person in the room to see if they have any weapons. Don’t let anyone get around behind you or restrict your flight of escape!
    Expectations - The difference between expectation and reality is a reason for low scores. Be sure to set expectations exceptionally low so that you can thrill the patient and significant other (or not) when they have a better experience than expected. Example: State, “I'll be the doctor taking care of you today. I hope to become board certified if I ever pass the examination. I’ve just worked in emergency rooms for the last few months, but I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I feel confident that I won’t make any serious errors today!"
    Time and Duration - Describe the testing, IVs, meds, etc. and how painful it all will be. Give the patient a chance to change their story to avoid the tests at every opportunity. Overestimate enormously the length of time that this all will take so that once again, the patient and family will be thrilled when they don't spend all day and night in a bed listening to the drunk next bed pray to his spiritual advisor Commode!
    Observations - Explain the results of all the tests, and what happened based on the results of these very expensive tests. This is a terrific time to "manage up" your team especially the nurse ("I see your nurse today is Missy. You are very lucky. She's the best that we could hire for the money. She’s just gotten out of rehab and is doing very well on her new medication! Please let me know if you notice her doing anything just a little strange!")
    Understanding - Make sure the patient and family and generally the person through the curtain next door understand the diagnosis and treatment plan. Be remarkably specific in a loud and easily understood voice, about all of the bodily functions that you want the patient to control through various meditational techniques and positions.
    Thank the patient - during your disposition conversation for choosing our ED. You appreciate the loyalty that they displayed when passing right by at least three “For Profit” hospitals on the way to your “Free Hospital”.
    Encourage questions - and give all drunks the personal cell phone number of your local rehab center manager. This is the manager that refers many of his clients to the ER to have their blood pressure taken and a check up!
    Drugs and alcohol - Make sure to do smoking, alcohol and drug cessation counseling. You may do this by stating: “I know that you cannot afford to buy the prescription that I have given you, please consider reviewing your drug investment portfolio!”
    In conclusion: Our nurses and nurse managers should be using GETOUTED as well. We should also be reminding each other to GETOUTED. The administration has requested that compliance with GETOUTED be added to the annual physician and mid-level provider evaluation form. The top performer in using this technique will be eligible to receive a free high colonic at Quidos’ Hinny Center.