MDOD Safety Goals for 2011 (Suck it, TOFKAJCAHO!)

I have had such a nice return to normality in leaving the ER behind and entering the working world where 'busy days' are about as stressful as a foot massage. And even though this post is a rant, my anger is not kindled. This is an un-emotional and accurate scatalogic rant, and well deserved by the recipients, the people who came up with the NATIONAL PATIENT SAFETY GOALS FOR HOSPITALS, 2011.

And I am sitting back in my chair, silently laughing, a lot, because I plugged "NATIONAL PATIENT SAFETY GOALS FOR HOSPITALS 2011" into google and was taken directly to...

THE GO#DA#$%# TOFKAJCAHO site (The Organization Formerly Known as JCAHO).

No surprises here, they are a furuncle on the ass of the medical world, parasites of a particularly nasty sort, and worthy of ridicule whenever and wherever possible.

You see, when I read "NATIONAL PATIENT SAFETY GOALS FOR HOSPITALS, 2011" I brace for some revelatory stuff. You know, stuff that can help me, as a physician who still works, from time to time, in the belly of the beast of health care, to do a better job at doing one of the toughest jobs in medicine.

FU*& YOU TOFKAJCAHO!!!...  A THOUSAND TIMES WITH A BARBED WOODEN DOWEL IN YOUR ANUS

Here are the "Goals"... "Goals" I am forced to wear around my neck on a plastic card with a bunch of other worthless SHIITE cards that never help me and that I never read and that are too thick for me to pick my teeth with...

As I was saying... the "GOALS"...

1. Identify patients correctly.

2. Improve staff communication.

3. Prevent infection.

4. Check patient medicines.

5. Identify patient safety risks.

There's a bit more, but you get the idea. And DAMN! I have to be AGAINST infection and poor communication and FOR safety and shit???? DAMN!

F### YOU TOFKAJCAHO.

To the people responsible for these goals let me ask you a question. Do you sleep well at night knowing that you are merely an anaerobic bacteria just under the skin on the ass of the medical world? That you draw a paycheck, and probably a good one, as part of a protection racket?

You do? Wow, there's a particularly hot corner of hell with your names on it and, if I were to be able to choose your eternal punishment, it would be to be forced to be in the hell only with other TOFKAJCAHO true believers and to be able to talk only with them and only in the kind of base platitudes that you spew out with such dramatic self-importance.

But not to be outdone, all of us here at MDOD have spent the last year coming up with our own safety goals for 2011. Here they are...

1. Be nice to others.

2. If you make a mess, clean it up.

3. Don't pour gasoline on people and set them on fire.

4. Don't start a nuclear war.

5. Do not go psycho and proclaim an MDOD Fatwa against TOFKAJCAHO.

TOFKAJCAHO, may you all be sodomized by a rabid rhinoceros on the edge of a cliff for all eternity.

Good day.