The Midget Pyxis Conspiracy *

*We use the term 'midget' to refer to a person of small stature... We know, it is an antiquated and offensive term and our hope is that by pointing this fact out in this forum we can stamp out all usage of the word 'midget'.... forever.

A digitally altered image above shows the US Government's latest really expensive paperweight. Know what it is for real?

For real, it's a robot pharmacy. It is a waste of money. It is a wasted opportunity. The wasted opportunity is for a young service man or woman to learn how to be a pharmacy tech. A real person could be paid to do this job, and trained, and might, perhaps, one day grow up to be a pharmacist. That same person, if deployed, might be a lot more reliable than this monstrosity.... which is the second monstrosity in the past few months to be brought in to 'expedite patient care' in our clinic.

It's a waste of money because, contrary to what was advertised, prescribing to our patients now is not quicker, easier, or more foolproof. Never mind that in our little clinic we are not allowed to have any controlled substances... you know, the things that really work to abort a seizure or treat pain from a broken ankle... so this glorified coke machine is spitting out tylenol and motrin with all the alacrity and accuracy of a speedy, stoned turtle.

So here's my idea. Some General or Admiral who may or may not be a doctor or nurse or pharmacist had a pile of money to spend on computerized point of care systems. Who's the low bid for the glorified coke machine? These guys? Buy it... and in the picture you can see, that on day three of it's operation, we were digging at it's innards with hemostats and iris scissors to unstick some labels that had clogged it up. Solution? The midget pyxis.

This is all you would see from the front panel of the machine. The blank steel casing would cover a false wall with a comfortable living space built behind for a person of small stature (to be clear a midget, curse the word!) to live and work. A back door would provide stealth entry to the workplace for our small pharmacy tech.

In presenting this 'invention' to the government we could emphasize our system's advanced voice recognition capability by allowing the paper General to order any medicine in stock with voice command only. Our intrepid little pharmacy tech, through a voice altering mic, would repeat the order and turn on the sound effect machine which would make impressive computer and machine noises. He would then dispense the medicine, properly labeled, on a hand crank roller-mechanism, and it would emerge with much fanfare and hints of red and green lights from within (and also one of those laser label readers.... need to have one of those shining out from the bowels of the machine).

Cost? 50k a year for our friend. A cool 100k to the developers of this technological marvel. Monthly service contract? None. And I would fully expect our employee to have a sweet little man cave back there with a PS3 and a flat screen and maybe a very small bowflex.

The more I get to use our new quarter million dollar machine, the more I love the midget pyxis idea. Genius ideas.... it's what i do. Oh, this story is all true, but happy April fools anyway.