Friday, May 27, 2011

911Doc on the Couch

So I can't really go into the ER anymore... For a week or two in advance of my Cameo shifts it's just terrible.... So, I am ready to be diagnosed.... Go ahead.... Hopefully, based on what we can discover here, I can get a disability rating and be taken care of by.... ER docs and nurses... and just for the record, I'm allergic to Toradol, motrin, tylenol, ultram, and codeine. And boy do I hurt right now. Go ahead... do your worst. First question?


  1. You got an owie for real? Last time I dx and treated a doc I worked with I was told that I was being mean.


  2. Acute vaginitis.


  3. First Question...?
    Was that you in the stall next to me at Atlanta-Hartsfield-Zimbabwe the other day?? might wanta watch where you put that foot...

    textbook MPH...
    seriously, I get the same thang a few weeks before I have to visit my Parents...
    even with 7 figures in the bank, Milf-y Wife, 2 lefthanded daughters, and I still have to shave and shine my shoes...
    Well I don't HAVE to but you don't want my Mom's Evil Eye on'd even make Ahmanidejad curl up and cry like a little girl...

    26 hrs till D-day...


  4. "ELM" disease - Extreme Lack of Motivation?


    You're a Thunder fan and hate the Mavs, thereby giving you a royal pain in the _ss?

  5. it's not vaginitis... i had two grams of vagisil IV last night and it did nothing...

  6. Where do you hurt? Can you rate the pain on a scale of 0 to 10?


    (Who is leaning toward PTSD thus far...)

  7. FINALLY someone does the pain scale question... glad the joint omission is not vetting this site.... my BRAIN hurts and it feels like it is about to explode.... my pain is an 8.634 at the moment.... no.... hold on... it's a 8.635 now.

  8. Well 911 you don't look sick but you are complaining loudly so the treatment you need is a big fat work up.
    I want blood cultures drawn, 5mg IV metoprolol, 2g ceftriaxone, a litre of saline and any other ridiculous treatments that might be imposed as quality markers based on what we find. I want a triple rule out chest CT, with rectal contrast (gotta be certain where that transverse colon is, sorry buddy). I want an MRI of your head, scopes from both ends and 5mg IV dilaudid (I want a really good PG score on this one).
    If that' all normal you get held for a psych consult.
    Oh ya, and here's your work note, that's really why you're here right?
    Cheers buddy,
    Dr. J

  9. well thanks dr j,
    with the five of dilaudid if you don't have to intubate me i will be sure to drop a helluva great customer service rec for you.... nice trick.... i used to use fentanly for that... figured it would wear off by the parking lot... and i am touched by your caring.

  10. OK 9-11, your getting a little too Hemingway-esque for comfort...
    the sparse prose, Macho swagger, sympathy for a doomed losing cause....
    Oh, I'm sorry did I compare UGA football to the Spanish Republicans??? My bad,
    and the Spanish "Republicans" weren't even real Republicans, they were COMMIEs, just like that fatso Mike Huckabee...
    anyway, UGAs got a better chance of winning the SEC East this year than a bunch of Spanish Commies...
    Might wanta take a rain check on that Boise State re-match out in Idaho...
    and anyway, if your depressed, do what I do, watch the Zapruder film, I mean, "The Legend of Billie Jean" and if a 22 year old Helen Slater playing a 15 year old girl in distressed Jean shorts doesn't perk you up, your probably a Homo, ane even then you can watch a 16 year old Christian Slater..
    and even if your not a Pat Benetar fan you can get turned on by the girl who does the voice of Lisa Simpson... Hey, I used to watch "Scooby Doo" hoping for a Velma-Daphne kiss...
    and you'll need a DVD player that plays Region 2 DVDs(Europe, Middle East, Japan, South Africa, Greenland) cause somehow thats the only parts of the world who appreciate a 15 yr old Helen Slater..
    or you could borrow my VHS copy...


  11. frank,
    i had actually planned on attending the UGA B state game but if the dawgs lost i would have to either off myself or give up completely and become a democrat. and you still have not enlightened us as to the death of your erstwhile blog.... did you piss off the wrong person? lawyer give you a call?

  12. OK here ya go 911,



  13. "Hemingway-esque?!?!?!" That has to be the best Franky D. post ever! No wonder Sergey Brin won't give you that old blog back.

  14. Oh yeah, Frankie's Hideout...
    combination of things, y'see I had all this great material where I was gonna be huntin Bin Laden where I thought he was hiding, the DC suburbs...seriously, anyone caught a cab at Reagan-National recently?
    and all that typing was gettin in the way of my Sex Life...
    yeah, I get the Carpal Tunnel like a Mo-Fo...


  15. Eating disorders? Gender identity disorder? Brown recluse bite? I thought so.

  16. Maybe your digestive system needs a good purging. This should do it. I think it probably deserves a warning label, but wasn't sure what kind.