Friday, August 05, 2011

The "Shitbird"

AKA the 'sick call Ranger', a 'Blue Falcon', or, in the old speech, 'pussy'.

The new military has a bunch of great folks. Stand up Americans. But since requirements to join our various services (OORAH MARINE CORPS! YOU TOLD THEM TO STUFF-IT AND YOU STILL ROCK!) have been lowered to accommodate a more 'diverse' population, it is, by some, seen as a meal-ticket, and a way to the good life of disability checks and permanent care by our beloved and ever-stretched-thin VA.

The "shitbird". Somehow these men and women (really 'children' is a better word) make it past the initial screens and into our various services and somewhere between being yelled at or made to run in formation or carry a heavy backpack on a march or firing *gasp* a weapon they decide that their knee hurts (it's usually the vagina that actually hurts, particularly on the male form of shitbird), and there's not enough IV Vagisil in the world to make good soldiers, airmen, or seamen out of them. God bless the Marines, if you are going to quit on them you are quitting early.

And the shitbirds are not stupid, at  least not most of them. Most of them have heard about the chinks in the system and how long they need to stay in before their knees develop chronic pain, or their backs, or their brains. And then they start the march towards a medical separation with benefits. It usually takes a true shitbird about 14 months to achieve this.

The nice thing about the shitbirds is that, unlike in civilian ER land, I can actually tell them, 'no, you get no lortab, go back to work'. But then I put them in for a medical separation after their command has called me telling me, no surprise, that the service member in question is, in short, a shitbird and they want them gone.

We do have our tricks to keep them from fully grasping the government entitlement teat, but at some point you cut your losses and go on.

These same shitbirds, on the outside, soon find that because of their 'disability' that a job is hard to come by, so then the 'I  need my disability rating increased' game starts with the VA, and that goes on until they die or have enough children to live comfortably, eating cheetos, getting fat, and raising more.... shitbirds.They also go to the ER a lot. The ER can't tell them 'no'.

Diversity rules.


  1. "Chinks in the System"??
    funny, I never ran into any Chinks during my illustrious career with Uncle Sams Misguided Children(AKA U-nlimited S-hit & M-ass C-confusion, U S-igned the M-otherfucking C-ontract)
    ran into alot of Spicks, N-words, Wops, Dagos, Polocks, Dikes(AKA "Women Marines") and even a Full Blooded American Indian (Call Sign "Tonto") but no Chinks.
    There was my buddy Tuong Dong (everyone called him "Sammy")that people were always mistaking for a Chink or Jap, cause they all look the same, but he was from Veet-Nam. Loser spent all his time in the Navy actually studying, and doing research. Dudes an Interventional Radiologist now, drives a Bentley, and his wife makes Megan Foxx look like Redd Foxx...


  2. I feel obligated to state that the majority of chit-surfers are, obviously, dubs.


  3. Jeez, am I the only one who comments here anymore???
    Startin to feel all Charlton Heston-y.
    and "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" just might be the best movie since "Hotel for Dogs" and if it doesnt win best picture next year its the biggest injustice since Pontius Pilot let Barrabas go instead of You-know-who..
    and MS1 no offense, but Medical Students are supposed to be seen and not heard...
    and without further adieux, heres 3 of my candidates for a lifetime laminated light duty chit...
    1: Female Marine F-18 mechanic doesnt want to work on the flightline cause the jets are too loud and JP-5 smells stinky, like her snatch.
    Oh yeah, shes pregnant, like I give a rat's patootie.
    Doesn't like my suggestion that she exercise her woman's right to chose to kill her baby.
    Pulls the "I'll write my congressperson" card.
    Spends rest of deployment peeling potatos. Waits till later to kill baby.

    2: Coast Guard enlisted dude, who, I'll give him credit, had the balls to come to a Marine Base with his litany of "Gulf War Syndrome" symptoms.
    Yeah, Coast Guard, who never got within 6,000 miles of the Persian Gulf, but wait, it gets better, HE WORKED WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE IN THE PERSIAN GULF, so he probably caught it, just like I caught the clap from Nikki Hardin in 1981. I was so disgusted I walked out of the exam room and never came back.
    Dudes probably still there...

    3: Marine Staff Sergeant who decides after 10 years of active duty that he's a Homo.
    I mean "Conscientious Objector" and the fact it was November 1990, and the first real war of his career had nothing to do with it.
    Wants me to sign his "Package".
    I go all Patton-y, and since this was before Dont-Ask-Dont-Tell, I told.
    damn homo


  4. I would pay money to read posts if panda bear wrote here regularly.

  5. @ Annonymous,
    theres more literary talent in one of my run on sentence fragments than in Panda's entire Postography, so pay up Bee-Otch.


  6. Panda once said none of your sentences make sense. I totally agree. Sorry frank but you were more funny when your were making fun of happy hospitalist.

  7. MS1 - Careful, an ass-kicking is always on your horizon, grasshopper. Don't say I didn't warn you - xoxo.
    Frank - please provide link to your blog when it's up.
    Anon - Panda? Brings out the bully in me. So does HappyHo.


  8. OK, so Google is basically blocking this site now.

    Most people cannot comment.

    No, we don't want to sign up for any of the other services.

    So we'll just read 911 and Frank.

    Or, I don't know, maybe you folks could find a way to open this site back up, kinda like Frank's sphincter?


  9. latest anon.,
    you must be a humorless drudge to not 'get' frank. i wouldn't want to work with you.

    CJrun, I don't have any problems on my end... can you specify the problem?

  10. "None of my Sentences Make Sense"???
    Sounds like a User problem, i.e. Trig Palin, umm thats a little cruel, who else has limited intellectual potential???..
    its like JOE BIDEN tryin to understand Steven Hawkins stuff...
    like Moe Howard reading Einstein...
    and I still comment on the Happy Homo's Blog, he just deletes everything, cause I made fun of how he paid $50,000 to get his wife pregnant when I did it for free.

    New Blog? "I want my FrankTV"

  11. frank, haters gonna hate. humorless drones.

  12. The husband (Coastie) is working with a broken back although he does keep his disability rating current so that when he does retire he gets the medical care he will need. Other than that, he's been putting off the back surgery he will need until he retires and taking Naproxen for pain relief. I'm so proud!

  13. I think I met that Coastie in Frank's post. I worked with him-he was a poop.

  14. @C
    First of all, the Coast Guard isn't the Real Military, as I was told by an Coast Guard Officer who was just slightly lighter in the loafers than that dude on "Brown, I mean Queer Eye on the straight Guy's Brown Eye"
    There part of the Department of Homeland Security, you know, those Homos who feel up 8 yr old Boys at Atlanta-Hartsfield-Zimbabwe Airport.
    Homos, I say, cause thats the reason most of em joined the Coast Guard, no "Don't Ask Don't Smell".
    OK, thats enough of my Daily Homo-fobia.
    "Broken Back", Ummm I had a "Broken Arm" in 1971, dislocated too, when my Mutter jerked me away from that face-eating-Chimpanzee at the Kansas City Zoo.
    "Broken" bones heal and get better, like Herpes.
    And if he's able to do his admittedly useless Coast Guard job with his broken back, then he's not really disabled, is he.
    And if he's disabled, then he shouldn't be gettin full pay, it's one of those Vicious Circle Jerks.
    And oh yeah, wait till retirement to get that Surgery, ask Congressman Murtha how that went...


  15. Frank

    I stopped by your blog and you have it locked down - No anon profile choice.

    Fine. Be that way :(


  16. @ SCRN...
    sorry, no Homo, but I couldn't remember my own Blogs address, which is why it's got only one(admittedly Great)lonely Post.
    thats why I've been takin over 9-11's Blog like a Spirochete, heck, someones gotta do it...
    But here's what I'd Post if I could remember my Blogger password.

    Frankies VHS pick of the week

    "Maid to Order"(1987)
    Rich & Spoiled Twenty-Something Jessie Montgomery(Ally Sheedy) winds up in jail after a wild night of partying. Her Father(Tom Skerritt) decides he would be better off without a daughter, goes back in time to kill his daughter in the womb.
    I mean, summons her fairy Godmother(a smokin hot Beverly D'angelo) who turns Jessie into a Maid. Hilarity insues.