Friday, January 18, 2008

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn...or something.


We get a lot of colon biopsies to look at. This is due to a huge effort by all the professional societies involved in gastroenterology to shove a tube up everyone’s ass. It serves a dual purpose: screen for cancer and make GI scope-jockeys incredibly rich. I’m all for it.

The Japanese have led the charge on this practice. You have probably heard the well-known American expressions: “Grass on the infield: Play Ball!”, or: “Old enough to pee; old enough for me”, or: “Old enough to eat; old enough to be eaten”. Well, in Japan the ancient saying goes: “Old enough to shit; old enough to have a flexible colonoscope inserted to your terminal ileum, then drawn out slowly while taking biopsies of suspicious polyps”. Believe me, it sounds much more clever and pithy in the original Japanese.

I got a polyp to look at under the microscope the other day and, like one might expect, there was some fecal material along with the tissue. This is usually due to a “poor prep”, a.k.a. “I ate a corn muffin and 20 munchkins before coming in today”. Amazingly, it is possible to microscopically identify what that person ate in most cases. Sure, there is a lot of digested sludge that is basically a mass of bacteria and degenerated goo. But, if you are lucky, you may see a leafy vegetable; some steak; and, of course, CornNuts®. Anyway, this poo was different. There was some sort of seed structure that looked unusual. I showed it around and was greeted with shrugs (how is shit NOT interesting!?). I probably could have dropped it there but I actually know a botanist, so I gave her the slide. A couple days later she called me and said, “It looks weird because it is germinating”.

The dude was growing a bean sprout in his colon. I’m thinking: New England Journal of Medicine: “Ass-plants: a case report and review of the literature”. Move over Jonas Salk, step aside Louis Pasteur; I’m going to Disney World, bitches!

15 comments:

  1. “Ass-plants: a case report and review of the literature”

    By golly, I've just found the perfect tag line for my next novel.

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  2. Go figure...and it was in a place where the son don't shine! ;)

    Very funny!

    Gives new definition to the word roto-"rooter" . :)

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  3. inches away from a germinating potato-pessary in the vagina.

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  4. obtw, etotheipi, your writing recalls the best of the romantic period. i'm fighting back tears.

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  5. I'm channeling Jane Austen... and then 'mind-boning' her.

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  6. So that's where the Japanese grow those sprouts.

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  7. Mind boning. I wish I would have used that line in my "throw them on the scrap heap of love " days. "Hey baby, I'm boning you in my mind, and you are liking it."
    Who could resist.

    CAT

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  8. Is this unusual for humans? I've always heard of other species pooping out seeds, which acts as a way to spread certain flora.

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  9. So that is what has been growing out of my ass.

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  10. Good Luck with the Paper. Don't let that Hack, Gupta, steal all the thunder.
    "I'm going to Disney World, bitches!" and I'm snortin' Coke Zero through my sinus cavities, thanks you sadistic bastard!

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  11. No grass on the field? Play in the mud.

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  12. No! Really? kind of wish I hadn't eaten all those watermelon pips along with the flesh. Hmmm.

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  13. How could I NOT love you?

    Winkingly, Shari Ann

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  14. Was the patient Japanese? There was a surreal Japanese novel about a man who grows radish sprouts on his legs and snacks on them.

    mmmmm...

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  15. buy "A tree grows in brooklyn on dvd" www.aclassicmovie.com

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