Friday, April 04, 2008

My favorite procedure.

This ain't no Disco, aint no country club either. I've always been a procedure guy. I&Ds, Chest Tubes, PA catheters, vasectomies, if it involves cutting or sticking something count me in. But to me nothing beats excising a thrombosed external hemorrhoid. Sure your ruptured triple A's get all the glory, but fix someones ass and you've made a friend for life. Its one of those things I learned by myself, like sex. In 1980's Alabama no self respecting medical student asked a resident for help with a butt procedure. My first time was with an inmate from the county jail, his name was probably Billy or Mac or Buddy, and he presented wearing an authentic Alabama ball and chain. "I gotta Pone doc" was his Chief Complaint that I dutifully documented on both the jail and ER records(even in 1985 there was red tape). I had never heard of a "Pone" before, and had to ask a nurse, who informed me it was a peri-rectal abscess. With knife in hand I began the search for the pone. Funny, there appeared to be no infectious process awaiting the touch of cold steel, merely a purplish swelling near the butthole. With no internet, I excused myself and actually bothered one of the residents who called me a dumbass but did tell me what to do. Hands shaking, I skillfully extracted the clot that had made Buddy's life so miserable. I've run into many Buddys since that night, and even the occasional Lois, but it never gets old.

5 comments:

  1. God bless you Frank. Are you available for consults long distance. You can have all mine. What happened to Lois? If you had that on film I would like to see it.

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  2. Dude, that's cool. I haven't got to excise one of those yet...my favorite doctor of all time let's me drain cysts all the time...and I LOVE IT.

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  3. I find that slightly disturbing.

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  4. I need to know though, do you use a gigantic cheek spreader?

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