The Bill of Rights
Amendment I Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. And all humans within the border of the United States have a right to free health care.
Amendment II A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. Health care for free is a right for any organism with 23 chromosomes found within the borders of the United States.
Amendment III No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Doctors are required by federal law to see and treat all patients regardless of their citizenship, state of intoxication, assaultive behavior, or ability to pay for said care.
Amendment IV The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Doctors are to accept 30 cents on the dollar for their services. Dentists, Complimentary and Alternative Medicine practitioners, chiropractors, and life-coaches are to be reimbursed at 100 cents on the dollar.
Amendment V No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. The right to free health care is universal while in any state, territory, or possession of the United States. The right to payment for goods or services delivered is universal except for physicians who are greedy, rich bastards and should be held in the lowest esteem especially by the uninsured, addicted, politicians, liberals, and attorneys.
Amendment VI In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense. The right to sue physicians for negligence occurring in the delivery of free health care shall not be abridged unless the physician guilty of negligence is employed by the United States Government, in which case the plaintiff is shit outta luck dude!
Amendment VII In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law (except for physicians, who may be forced to settle lawsuits by their insurers or surrender their privileges, or insurance and therefore their ability to practice). Also, it is hereby mandated that physicians have no right to sleep, or to the pursuit of happiness.
Amendment VIII Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. An exception shall be made for physicians, especially physicians in training, who may be imprisoned by their hospitals and kept awake for up to 72 hours at a time while performing surgery or fetching stool samples.
Amendment IX The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. Did we mention that primo allopathic health care for all is a right?
Amendment X The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people (physicians excepted, of course).