Monday, May 05, 2008

Interview advice

There are few professions where, upon reviewing job applicants, one must ask oneself: ‘Is this the type of person who wants to have sex with dead people?’.

Gravedigger, Mortician, Pathologist, Hillary Clinton’s potential boy-toy… the list is short. And in the field of medicine, if you hire someone who would check the ‘yes’ box when asked if they liked violating Sylvia Plath while her head was in the gas oven, you have made a big mistake.

It looks really bad when the family comes in to identify grandma’s body and the pathology assistant is humping her on the autopsy table. It is considered very bad taste when her organs have already been removed.

This brings me to a related issue. Is it wrong to have sex with the dead when the dead have pre-approved the process? This is a rare and unusual fetish that some (I think it was Socrates originally) like to refer to as reverse necrophilia. This brings up quite a few moral dilemmas involving the rights of consensual adults and the sanctity of the dead. I’m quite upset the ‘The Ethicist’ column of the New York Times Sunday Magazine has not returned my calls.

The real problem for you sickos considering a career that brings you close to the non-living is that dead people are not pretty. Gisele Bundchen on the slab would give the Marquis de Sade pause before jumping aboard. Although, I must admit, Kate Moss would probably look about the same.

So next time you are interviewing for one of these jobs, just remember to hide your boner when touring the morgue. This will leave you in a better position when bargaining for vacation time.

34 comments:

  1. oh my this was a bit unexpected by why then did I like so much?

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  2. Instant classic, Etotheipi.

    God, I'd love to go out for drinks with you guys.

    911- first the word verification and now the comment moderation, jesus, what are you gonna want next, letters of reference to leave a comment on your fucking blog?

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  3. So seriously Etotheipi...man that's long to type...have you encountered people like this? Ewwwww! As a seriously boring and mainstream kind of gal, I really truly deeply want to believe that necrophiliacs are few in number.

    How do they get into that? Crappy wiring in the brain, or crappy childhood? Just like fecophiliacs. Ewwwww. And then Spewwwww!

    You know I used to work in a lab. I loved it. Thank goodness I didn't have to bother with the morgue. Although I did see my share of diabetic body parts. We had a full sized man's leg once. They must have cut it off at the hip. It doesn't seem like body parts would be so darn heavy seeing that we move ours around all day with little effort, but when you try to carry someone's disarticulated leg, that thing is dang heavy.

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  4. "Just when I thought you couldn't get any 'sicker', you go and do something like this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!"

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  5. Letters of reference, my ass, I heard he was requiring piss testing and corneal scanning, sorry, My little Monkey, he hasn't had his colon cleansed yet this month, he has build-up....

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  6. I'm going to forward this to my ex, who teaches criminal law. What a great exam question.
    With some crimes consent is a defense, but I I can't imagine that working with desecration of remains, which is a felony. You can manage property and obtain services through contract law, but I'd guess the public interest in prohibiting body poking would supercede contract law.

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  7. How can any man actually get aroused enough by a dead body to violate one? Some guy in New Jersey was convicted of having sex with a 96 yr. old woman's body in Oct.

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  8. Holy shit...are you serious! I'm glad I gad my glass (or two) of wine before reading this post!

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  9. My question is who pitches a tent walking through a morgue, on a job interview? I have an image reminiscent of Anchor Man with a Will Farrel walking through the morgue knocking specimen jars off the counter..."It's the pleats...don't act like you're not impressed."

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  10. Careful, you might take someone's eye out with that thing !

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  11. Pathology attracts the lonely man. E- you pitch a tent when the wind blows, so I wouldn't be surprised if, from time to time, a cold dead chick makes you box the clown, shake hands with the pope, etc..

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  12. That has to be the worse fetish there is, other than sex with animals.

    Just ewwwww!

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  13. I always thought Hannibal Lector would have been much creepier as a Pathologist. Psychiatrists just aren't scary. I guess a dead Heidi Klum would be better than alot of living women. Seems that corpses cool off at around a degree an hour, so the first day wouldn't be so bad. Once the bacteria get to work it'd be a little nasty though.

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  14. PETER: D and D'er... nice one.
    ................................

    Yeah. We get some sick fucks trolling around here. We had one dude in my residency caught licking some dead chick's feet.

    "It got weird"

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  15. Etotheipi: Do you do a lot of autopsies? What do coroners do, besides make prime time TV shows? Just curious and ignorant.

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  16. Cat is on to something. It was probably the dead cheerleader we pulled out of a swamp after 4 days that really started my "floater" fetish...

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  17. I always wondered why the Forensic Pathologists assistants were so enthusiastic to come in at 3 in the morning and put in the overtime. You only had to go to one autopsy at my medical school during 2d year Pathology. Went to a few more during a 4th year Surgical Path rotation. Every Forensic Pathologist I've ever met sets off my Creepy Alarms.

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  18. Devorah makes a good point - what ever happed to that criminal trial involving that German character who was looking for (and obtained preconsent from his victims to be killed and eaten) - was there consent with that stragey - or was it to the funny farm with nil prospects of relase.

    Interesting. ETHIOPI - perhaps you could include an additional clause (some where down the bottom) when you get your consents for posts signed.

    BFG medic.

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  19. Creepy case from Michigan last fall I saw on Court TV. Young college girl found dead and raped in her dorm room. Suspect admits to the sex part but says she was dead when he broke into her room. Ended up with a hung jury, not sure how the retrial went.

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  20. I called my ex the law professor on my way home and told him about the reverse necrophilia discussion. He said, "My God, with whom and why are you discussing this anyway?" He agreed that consent cannot be given to cannibalism or necrophilia on public policy grounds. He said the insanity defense would be the only way to go.

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  21. E, is that why you spent so much time in the anatomy lab in medical school? Every time I went in there you were just kinda hanging out...even at 2am. Weird. I dated a girl in college...the sex was kind of like with a dead person.

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  22. Would you have sex with a dead person for $10,000,000?

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  23. Frank, one word answer. NO.

    Here's a question for ya'll docs.

    Does this make me an annoying patient's mom?

    My son had an orchiopexy in Jan. At his 12 month check at the ped's, the ped palpated the recalcitrant teste and commented that it was awfully small. About the size of a pea. I knew that atrophy was a possibility, because his surgeon told me that the blood supply wasn't great, although it looked nice and pink when they dropped it down.

    So enough with the background information. I called the urology office to let them know the ped's discovery. We don't have a follow up for a few months. I figure they can put it in the records. I also told them not to call me back unless they thought it necessary.

    My experience with specialists has been that they don't communicate with the primary very well, and it's usually up to me to spread the info. (It doesn't bother me, I'm just trying to do my job as mom.) So does that make me annoying or helpful?

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  24. OK now I think your sick! And I have wide parameters for sick.

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  25. Frank: How would I have sex with a corpse, anyway? You go first.

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  26. 911: Did you notice the Google ad for Mormon personal ads? This is either a response to my discussion of my ancestry or a suggested alternative to reverse necrophilia and necrophilia for money (Frank!).

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  27. My $10,000,000 question was just a variation of the joke where the guy asks the girl to sleep with him for money. I think our attitude toward necrophilia is just a reflection of Western European narrowmindedness. I purchased and ate a dead animal in a public place this afternoon, tasted damn fine as a matter of fact.

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  28. Well, I know, but I'm concerned about the sexual discrimination inherent in the question. Actually, that is the least of my concerns about you, Frank...

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  29. Oh Crap! No comment means it was annoying.

    Why. Why? Why! (Imagine me rending my hair.)

    Here's a little secret. I'm the annoying patient who talks way too much. You see, I'm starved for adult conversation, and unfortunately I spend a lot of time at the doctor with one kid or another. I KNOW I give way too much info, but I never know what's important or not. It's too bad they don't have a stop now button to use that wouldn't make me feel like a total idiot. I promise I'll start to reform myself. Now.

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  30. Apparently there are no laws against necrophilia in Wisconsin:

    http://wcco.com/local/St.Charles.Cemetery.2.369210.html

    From the article: Madison, Wis. (AP) ― Three men who dug up a young woman's corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday.

    If you go to the link you can see the pictures of the 3 guys who tried to do this.

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  31. Yikes. Either this thing is eating my posts, or they are whiney and offensive.

    Sorry guys.

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  32. Don't sweat it, Amy! Just do what i do--leave the blogs littered with the corpses of deleted comments ("This comment removed by the author"). Just sign in and hit the little trash can.
    Happy Mother's Day!

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