Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Elusive Rat

I know this is a medical blog.....but a little non-medical levity now and then is a good thing.

For about 5 years, I've been trying to get my wife to clean out her side of the closet. I've done it myself several times which pissed her off so badly that she yelled at me for days, then promptly trashed out her side of the closet again.  I knew that the only way she'd keep it clean was if she actually exerted the effort herself. (I could make a political corollary here, but I won't). The trick was getting her to do it. I tried every incentive, but to no avail. So, I got creative........

A couple of months ago, I purchased a toilet flapper valve at WalMart and cut little "rat turds" from the rubber. 

Then each night after she went to bed, I left a few of these "turds" in the closet and bathroom floor outside of the closet. The following day, the "turds" were gone so I knew she had seen them. After a few days, I confronted her about the fact that her side of the closet was so trashed out that a rat was living in there! Still, she ignored the "problem". I kept making "turds" and she kept picking them up.

So, I knew that I needed to ratchet up the performance. I thought about it and realized that what was missing from my presentation was that lovely urine smell associated with rodent infestations. So, I went to a local hunting store and purchased some doe urine.

Each night when I sprinkled the "turds", I also fragged her closet crap with the deer pee. I had to endure about a week of horrific odor, but she finally cleaned out the closet!

She was very puzzled (and probably relieved) that she couldn't find the rat's nest.  And BTW, she's kept it clean.


  1. If this is a true story, you are devilishly evil, if this is only a fantasy, you are wicked.
    Either way, you are funnily creative. :-)

  2. Let's hope the wife doesn't read your blog. Or you may soon be blogging alone.


  3. What anon said. OTOH, I have the same problem with my hubby's F5 tornado-y side of our closet, so I sympathize with your drastic measures...and have found new inspiration.

    Note to self: make quick trip to hardware store

  4. I am very neat everywhere except my closet and my car. The car part isn't my fault though, the kids bring their crap in and don't remove it. Once a week or so I gather it all up and throw it in a box in the garage. If it isn't claimed in a few days I throw it away. The kids have gotten much better about cleaning up their junk.

    My husband is ONLY neat in his car and his closet. Luckily, when we built this house, we made it so we each have our own closet. He doesn't have to look in mine, and I don't have to listen to him tell me how I should be folding my clothes all nicely.

  5. You have a closet????

  6. Very dastardly. Indeed.

    Wouldn't work on me though, I'm a country girl.

  7. Screw medicine and politics.

    When is your book coming out on how to deal with the girlfriend/wife better?

    If this post is any example men around the world will give you obscene amounts of money for your advice.

  8. I think it's time to expand our traditional, archaic thinking. Let's all be a little more open-minded. Let the rats come out of the closet.

  9. amy-65: I assure you it's a true story, and I appreciate the compliment.

    BC: No worries. She has never read the blog nor does she know where to find it, so I feel pretty safe.

    Lynn: May I suggest one minor alteration to the scheme if you wanna try it. If you can find racoon urine instead of doe urine, it'll be more authentic. The doe pee is very "barnyard" whilst the racoon piss is more rodent-like. Our hunting place was just out of the 'coon pee.

  10. Only a sick bastard could distribute animal urine in his own house! I apply it in the garden each year. You can get a mix of all types of animals including the abominable snow monster urine. Also I am grateful that my spouse does not read this blog.

  11. I'm at a comlete and total loss for words. A friend posted this on a private internet board that I belong to. How can peole of our country believe this?

    "We will never have equality of opportunity in the United States. It is simply not plausible in a capitalistic system. Those with economic, social, and political power function in relatively tight social circles - that social capital functions to maintain the social classes. Very few people rise in social class in the US (when people do, it is most frequently through marriage). It is simply not possible for most people to rise to upper or even comfortable middle classes - or who would be on the bottom? Those on the top, or even the middle, stay on the top because they are born into it and have access and connections to stay there. So, even if we had equity or equality in schooling, in healthcare, in institutional access, social capital would still be at work."

  12. You know the real Scandal behind McCains 8 Houses? The other 7 are just for Cindi's shoes!! I'm still not familiar with this whole Closet concept, as I haven't had one for 16 years.

  13. Where do you live New ORleans or France? Or an old home built under French rule?

  14. great story, but what happens if your wife reads your blog?

  15. Silly me... you already answered that question in a previous comment.

  16. Frank Drackman's last post lost me. What hasn't he had for 16 years:
    A closet?
    Cindi McCain's shoes?
    A house in New Orleans?
    A house in France?
    Deer urine?
    Racoon urine?


  17. Hey Prostate (do you have a better handle than that?) I can help you with a couple of things.

    1. Frank is always a little out there, but he is funny. Don't steal his jokes, everyone will know.

    2. Homes in colonial French days didn't have closets because the Frogs (before they were known as Frogs) taxed them as an extra room. The answer voila is the wardrobe.

    3. Frank has a thing for his wifes shoes. Can anyone say fetish?

  18. Hi Amy,
    You can call me Jerry; "Prostate" sounds a little wierd, doesn't it? Especially inappropriate since I no longer own one.

    Frank is one of the funniest people on the net. I love his posts and his website cracks me up.

    While I am not stealing Frank's jokes, I may borrow his fetish. Uh, women's shoes; not animal urine.

  19. I married a trophy husband. He has three closets (one just for bike jerseys and socks) and I have one--the smallest. He has more bike shoes than I have regular shoes.

  20. Hey Prostate, sorry for the confusion, indefinate adverb or something.
    1: I meant I haven't had a closet, actually I have a small one in my man-cave, but its a better literary device to ignore that one.
    2: 16 years= length of time of wifes occupation of closets I would occupy if I was single.
    3: I am still amazed at the # of shoes Mrs. D owns.
    4: Houses in Europe are taxed on the # of Rooms, and Closets are considered Rooms, hence, Closets in Europe are a luxury, expect BHO to incorporate this into his Tax policy.

  21. yes Dev but how many pairs of bike shorts? And what colors? Please tell me only black!

  22. I married a trophy husband sound like it could be a good post.

  23. Pinky: He's out racing, so I have a chance to count: 15 pairs of shorts (all black), 87 jerseys, 12 windbreakers, 3 rain outfits, 23 pairs of socks and 12 headbands. He's always color coordinated: I'd be positive he's gay except he's not. And remember, he did every bit of the wedding planning-I just picked out a purple dress. But he doesn't talk like Fraanck in Father of the Bride.

  24. How bout she have her own closet and you try to, oh, I don't know...grow the hell up?

  25. EE: Just got home from the game! I didn't think that, the score reflected the overall level of play. Sure, y'all had a much better team and winning was almost a foregone conclusion but I was afraid that it'd be 51-3 and I was happy to see sparks of life from our mostly frosh and soph offense. It was as good of a time as you can have during a loss! Best part was spending time with my daughter. Our next game to go to will be OU next month. I expect time will run out in that game before we finish scoring too!

  26. All the time I was reading that I was thinking I was going to leave the comment:
    "as you seem so good at DIY did you know rat turds make excellent screwdrivers?" But you beat me to it by mentioning the ratchet yourself!

    My wardrobe smelt of cat pee, do you think that was my husband? Debs x