Monday, October 12, 2009

God Has a Sense of Humor

After cursing the world of medicine from a doctor's perspective it turned around and cursed me.

On my way to a nice resort, yes, partly to celebrate my divorce from the ER , I find myself typing this blog entry from a hospital bed, in full contact precaution lock-down, wondering what the hell I breathed-in, ingested, or got voodoo cursed into my body that would lay me out so severely that I... Shit this is hard for me... I called 911.

If I hadn't been reeking of vomit and it's green cousin from the south I would have kissed the male paramedic with halitosis (and poor IV skills) full on the mouth for finally getting the stick and beginning to un-prune me.

I also decided I could write a thirty minute comedy bit about being sick in an airliner bathroom and getting a leg cramp... I'm kinda tall you see.

S. aureus enteritis! Spawn of Satan! My doctors cast you out! What's that? You wish to enter a herd of pigs? How about Michael Moore? (gleeful demonic laughter).

25 comments:

  1. Dude 911! Way to wreck your vacay...So sorry, that totally sucks. I bet ER docs hate treating other ER docs... I've always heard that docs make the worst patients. Get better!

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  2. Spawn of hell, indeed. See what happens when you make generalities about the local docs and clinics? Karma is alive and well, and you are living (?) proof of it. Bwwwahhhaaaa.

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  3. Well that just sucks. Sending healing thoughts your way. Now be a good patient and be nice to the nurses. Be nice to Happy Hospitalist too (added that, since this is your nightmare of sorts).

    -SCNS



    -SCNS

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  4. staph aureus, ewww.. get well soon Doc.

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  5. Get well soon doc. It was good to see you last weekend. Hope it wasn't that shit burger with extra dingle berries I bought for you at the hotel restaurant that I paid for and you ate, just ate and left. Just kidding.

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  6. Not to worry. I sent a pox on anons house; may his condyloma lata travel through his already raw and irritated anal cavity, through his bowel and emerge from his mouth. I almost vomited typing that.

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  7. Aw, you probably picked it up at work. It was a going away present!

    Hope you're feeling better soon. (I've got to admit, it is kind of funny in a sick way.)

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  8. Hey-Zeus, 9-11, THAT'll teach you not to wash your hands after every Patient Encounter... I mean watch the Bulldogs play without takin appropriate Prophylactic Antibiotics...
    S.Aureus??? I thought you got that from eatin bad Potato Salad, Don't Ask, Don't Smell I always say...
    And as a Grizzled EMT once told me...(actually he was a bit of a Poof, but "Grizzled" sounds better)
    "The Patients the one with the Lousy Veins"
    and didn't you read the In-Flight magazine?? You're supposed to get a PE in the air, not Montezuma's revenge, get it right next time...

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  9. I hear the beaches are nice in Cuba and the health care is top notch!

    ;-]

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  10. Had to call the ambulance to make it to the front of the line, uh?
    What other trick of the trade did you use?
    Just kidding. :-)
    Sorry you're sick, sending good thoughts your way.

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  11. Thanks to all for the well wishes AND the snark. Frank, how did u know I had bad veins?

    Dear Amy65C... Honest to goodness I called 911 bc I'm without car, it was 4 am, and no cabbie would have let me puke and poop my way 20min to hospital while having my legs cramp... Probably would have had to kick a window out.

    Confession, I did tell the operator "yes" when she asked me if I was having chest pain, I was, the chest hurt just like the eyes that I nearly popped out of my head on the third "projectile vomit"... thought I was going to join Admiral Boerrhave in ignominious death.

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  12. Correction...
    Dr Boerhaave
    Admiral von Wassenaer

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  13. So Herman studied "Baron Jan von Wassenaer, a Dutch admiral who died (...) following a gluttonous feast."

    I am not even going to ask what you did before you got on the plane ;-)

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  14. Dear Amy65c,
    the good Dr figured out the Admiral had died after many forceful vomits (and yes, after a gluttonous feast), by rupturing his esophagus, and injecting some vomitus and air and bacteria into the mediastimun (after which he died an extrememely painful and inevitable death). Even today, this problem kills about 20-30% of folks who get it.

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  15. So, 911, what the hell happened? Where did you pick up this little nasty?

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  16. Sad you neglected the Old Southern Tradition. A large bottle of good Bourbon to celebrate your career change. Prolly would have drowned the nasty staph bugs.

    Best Wishes from West Texas

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  17. Sorry, I did not mean to make light of your situation. I hope you feel better soon.
    Now I have a flight to catch in a couple of hours, as long as it is not your plane with your germs still on it, everything will be fine.

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  18. dearest amy65c,
    huh? i did not take offense... actually don't know if i could be offended anymore.

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  19. Lied about your chest pain eh? System abuser.

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  20. dear anonymous,
    i'm typing this slowly because i know you can't read fast. i had chest pain just as i said above, quite a bit in fact... did i think it was cardiac? no, but that's not what they asked me, and at my age and with a couple of risk factors i knew i was undergoing my own stress test and thought i might be failing. and for those keeping score, my lifetime use of 911 for transport to the hospital = 1.

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  21. 911Doc ~ I think you did the right thing, actually. In retrospect, if I had my emergency room experience to do over again, I might have done that.

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  22. Sorry you're sick, 911, but what do you expect when you declare yourself "Done with the ER?" Even God couldn't resist that prompt...

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  23. dev,
    the involvement of the almighty was most evident when i met my admitting physician ( i am changing the name but the effect is preserved ) - dr attila khan. might has well have been dr louis cipher or dr kobayashi or dr hitler mussolini etc...

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