"Science" to the Rescue (Healing Touchers and "Doctor" Asa Andrew)

There's hard money to be earned in the traditional allopathic or osteopathic route, but there's some damned easy money to be made by the disciples of 'scientology' and 'lifestyle medicine'.

Now I will be the first to admit that the scientology creeps are actually in Haiti and I am not. Ten points for their side, but here's what they are doing. I imagine that these skilled practitioners of jack-shit will be able to open clinics and start seeing patients when they return from healing the nervous systems of the Haitian earthquake victims.

And I just can't let it go... I'm starting to hear on some syndicated AM radio show a guy who calls himself "Dr. Asa Andrew" and he is very interested in helping me "lifestyle my way" back to good health. He fields calls and gives answers which usually go something like this... "Your migraine, if on the left side is caused by an arginine deficiency, and if on the right, is caused by an iron deficiency." He recommends taking 'probiotics' with meals and is very against sugar and even soy. Now the soy thing, that caught me off guard! He will also glowingly make an ass of himself when he tries to talk traditional medicine by stating that an h. pylori test is done on the stool (normally not), and that the bacteria h. pylori can be wiped out by bismuth salts 'like pepto bismol', but the 'organic ones' are better, no doubt the very ones he has, conveniently for sale, at his very upscale and feng shui clinic.

Just for the record, bismuth salts can be part of the treatment for h. pylori ulcer disease, but many current regimens simply use a proton pump inhibitor and some antibiotics. Oh how much money I would pay to see him on rounds in the SICU being peppered with questions by a disbelieving CT Surgeon who, at the end of my fantasy, stabs him in the heart with a trochar which he never thought he would have to use in that fashion.

Then I do a little research and go look at this guy's site because I figure he's one of those MDs who is really into the metabolic treatment of disease by using le chatelier's principle and loading people with amino acids or depriving them of others in order to tilt particular biochemical equations the way they should go, but no.

This colossal ass is not a medical doctor, he's a chiropractor who does not advertise the fact, rather, everything this guy does is intended to make the casual listener think he's an MD. Look at the nice stethoscope he wears on his website! I am flummoxed and amazed that this guy has a radio and publishing empire because he has, no doubt played a big part in making people sick or hastening their deaths with his recommendation of goat's milk for brain cancer, and the like. Is he immune from malpractice because he doesn't create a doctor patient relationship on his show? Someone, please, tell me. He's giving people 'ionic foot bath detoxification treatments' in his office for the sake of all that is good and pure! There is less than zero science behind this, but why let that get in the way... the water changes color and everything... aren't those 'toxins' that are coming out through the bottom of your feet?

At the same time, I know there will always be people like "Dr. Asa" and the goofball "healing touch" scientologits. People want their snake oil. For whatever reason, they love their snake oil, hope and change, whatever the flavor of the day is. Dr. Asa, here's a 'lifestyle' question for you... How much malpractice insurance do you carry. I figure it's either a tremendously high amount, or zero. You probably have your callers agree on tape before talking to you that your advice is 'for entertainment purposes only'. You are the first douche of the month on MDOD for the new decade. Congratulations. Douche.

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And if Dr. Asa can make millions without having to do the usual science stuff like, uh... research and boring other things, then maybe you guys would enjoy sending a few shekels my way by visiting our sponsor, Scrubs Gallery, and using the following coupon for a nice discount...

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