Saturday, May 29, 2010


Evidently there is a theory, probably way out of favor by now, that schizophrenia may be caused by a 'double bind' existence... no clear choice... stay with dad who beats you or mom who is always drunk and out of the house. I don't know, makes some sense to me.

So today I took care of a typical happy little kid whose mom was terrified that he had appendicitis because a neighbor's child had it recently and it had almost been missed and the child almost died. Of course, I got all this history through a translator. Benign exam, I held my breath and addressed the mom's concerns. I ordered labs. Kid looked like a million dollars. I have become numb to it all and this seems to be a pretty good protection mechanism. The poor translator had to be here for four hours while the workup proceeded, and finally we had the scan results (ordered begrudgingly by me because the kid was anorectic and pointed to his epigastrium as the source of his pain... he spoke and understood English, but mom did not)... acute appendicitis. To the OR. Guess it's catchin'.

Now I have a patient that told me up front that he was coming to the ER because he 'can't afford a real doctor' and he has a complaint of twenty years of abdominal pain and also bad teeth. His girlfriend just left him and he's 'depressed' (according to his sister who has had depression herself for a long time) and can't I prescribe some antidepressants and antibiotics? She also wants to make sure he doesn't have cancer. I'm spending lots of your money on him.

Haldol, take me away.


  1. every day i do my part to ensure medicare's bankruptcy.

  2. Sounds like that patient needs the old TOBASH treatment...
    Dammit 9-11 watta ya thinks gonna happen when the Hole Plugger in Chief(Peace be upon Him) finds out Doctors don't fix teeth??? He thought Pediatricians took out tonsils, taking perfectly fine old cars off the road would revive the domestic auto business, and fellating Ahmanidejad would get him to play nice and share his toys...
    I myself havent been to the dentist for 5 years, that whole Fluoride thing bothers me, and the last time I went I ended up paying $2,000 my insurance wouldn't cover, its almost like he knew exactly how much cash I had in my wallet, cause I picked the wrong filling, the $2,000 one, and it didn't matter there wasn't an informed consent, and even if there was, I had a head full of Novocaine, and enough Nitrous(invented by a Georgian BTW)in my lungs that he could have charged $20,000 and I wouldn't have known the difference.

    Frank "The South is Gonna Rise Again" Drackman

  3. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, ha ha..

  4. Just in case, can't you just have someone yank the second patient's appendix? He's already depressed, shouldn't take much to put him under. Bet they find some rotting teeth in there.

  5. You (the author) sound soooo bitter. Wow. A shame.

  6. Was bitter. WAS. I don't do ER anymore, and, as it turns out, neither do many of my colleagues.