Sunday, July 18, 2010

Original MDOD Research (where customers are asked to rate their penis size)

I got to thinking about our old friend the pain scale the other day. I then thought of doing some original research to definitively answer an age old question. Using the pain scale research model we will be able to generate a powerful study with widely applicable results. There is a poll on the right sidebar below our hugely profitable ads. Please participate. Results interpreted and NEJM feature article to follow.

23 comments:

  1. to quote the great nigel tuffnell, chuck was an eleven.

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  2. Can i send a picture?

    Cynical "Daddy Long Schlong" Bastard

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  3. dear clsb,
    it is as big as you say it is.

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  4. I have read that people are good at describing levels of sensation. Subjects were given samples of hot sauces and were asked to compare them, not just which was hotter, but also the multiple of comparison. For example, they would report that sauce A was 3 times hotter than sauce B. Their subjective reports matched quite well with the laboratory assays of capsaicin, the chemical responsible for the hot sensation.

    So, patients should be good at reporting pain, if they have a comparison to work with.

    One answer is to distribute a standard pain inducing kit, like a standard electric shock. Or, physicians could be trained in giving a "standard slap" or in using a calibrated, spring-loaded paddle. Then they could ask "What is your pain level compared to that?".   (smile)

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  5. I've often advocated something similar to the "standard slap". It involves "the standard 2x4" upside the "standard head".

    I had a "frequent flyer" last week who rated her pain at "20 billion". After a brief medical screen, I told her that I recommended Tylenol for anything over a 10 and discharged her (with the aid of security).

    I expect the complaint, having to compose a response letter, and a visit from administration to explain why I didn't "satisfy this non-paying 'customer'" next week.

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  6. dear andrew,
    hence this commonly repeated statement... 'that patient has ten out of ten pain? go pinch them, if they say 'ouch' then they do not have ten out of ten pain'... but such logic is lost on most and pisses some of our 'customers' off.

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  7. An old colleague of mine(that's redundant, all of my colleagues are "old") used to talk about a pain measuring device he had thought of. I wish he had followed thru...

    You have a patient with a sprained ankle or something, complaining that the pain is a 10. We all know how rediculous that is. He proposed an ingenius device to actually measure the pain..

    You would take a heavy duty blood pressure cuff. Place it on the opposite extremity. Begin inflation and measure in units called "Dolhles". When aterial flow is shut off you have their "Dolhle" unit measure and it is time "0". Now measure time. When the patient begins to complain more of the pain in the non-injured extremity we have his "Dolhle" measurement! This is obtained by mutiplying the "Dolhle" unit by the number of seconds to the complaint of pain in the measured extremity. Ingenius! An actual quantifiable number for pain measurement! And they are not complaining of pain from their injury! Surely TOFKAJCHO would welcome such a quantifiable measurement. And I would love to use this elegant instrument. When shall we start?!

    "The Dolhlimeter"

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  9. Sort of Off-Topic, but is there a Worse name for a Medical Facility than a "Pain" Clinic, or for that matter a "Pain" Specialist???
    And Old Fart, good Idea, too bad the 3 Stooges beat you too it by 60 years, whatsa matter, you don't remember seein that episode during its original run???
    Sorry, with no Chuck around gotta chanel my hostility somewhere, and your a target of opportunity.

    Frank, "What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Cry Like a Little Girl" Drackman

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  10. Great idea Amy. Look up a cervical tenaculum. It's use constitutes a "10".

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  12. Amy, if you can get your Cervix between your head and shoulders....
    Just sayin, I bet your Dance Card was always full...

    Frank

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  14. Don't wanta brag, but last time I went through one of those Total Body Scans at the Airport they accused me of smuggling an Anaconda in my pants...

    Frank

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  15. Mr. Garland, I think your standardized "pain-o-meter" scale should be required, and I hereby nominate all high heeled clipboard nurses from "THE commission.." to be used as initial test subjects.

    And since a few valid tests known to me personally such as large kidney stones and the unmedicated birth of a ten lb neonate are difficult to replicate, I think a test involving a cardiac needle to the frontal sinus might work well....although other methods may be more efficient. Ideas??

    Pattie, RN

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  16. My woman says it takes her breath away. She even texted me this morning about how awesome it is.

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  17. dear cholera joe,
    i didn't just read about you here did i?

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  18. I'm not sayin I'm Big, but when I got my Vasectomy the Blood Bank went broke...

    Frank "Too Big To Fail" Drackman

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  19. Joe, my gal just asks me to take a shower, first.

    Meanwhile, I am using this older, deader thread to apologize for some ridiculous posting on my own part. I can't necessarily help my mood when I visit this site; all I can do is not visit this site, for awhile, as punishment. I am deeply disapointed in my stepboys, most days, but most days I keep it to myself. I know I shouldn't use this site to rant about their fecklessness, but I also know this is a safe site that their Mom will never visit.

    I'm not gonna go back and look at what I, deservedly, got for my rant about the boys. I have my punishment at hand; the boys are still here. They are honestly are good boys, which is my problem with them. As`a step-Dad, I have nothing to say about them, except to feed them, teach them to spell, teach them math, teach them honor and deal with their smarty-pants behavior most home hours of the day.

    Not your problem and I shouldn't have posted a rant on this site.

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  20. CJRun,
    no apologies necessary. rant away.

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