Monday, October 29, 2007

The Hooters / Queer-Eye / Cabana-Boy Nursing Home

I forgot what I had learned about this chart in neuroanatomy in medical school but was able to find it on a google search. I think that as men age the sex-drive areas are replaced by a 'desire to take a good bowel movement' area, but that lesson is for another day.

Please do not yell at me but really, if I need to be in a nursing home at some point I would prefer to be shot. The reasons are legion and I'm sure there are some good nursing homes out there but I have yet to find them. The patients we routinely receive from these facilities are either sent in for nothing or sent in near death. So with this in mind, I am looking for a venture capitalist to fund the "Hooters / Queer-Eye Nursing Home". Since, as a nation, we are extremely uncomfortable with death and no longer take care of our parents in their dotage, I think the following is a better solution.

The only requirement to be placed in this nursing home is that you sign and agree to a 'comfort care only- Do Not Intubate - Do Not Resuscitate' order. But oh, the comfort!

The nursing home will be divided into a male and female wing. On the male side Hooter's girls, or their equivalent, will provide all meals and assistance. They will be expected to deal with a moderate level of leering, sexual innuendo, and butt-pinching. They will be paid well and allowed to slap the hands of the offending pinchers while telling them how naughty they are. The men can watch football all day long on huge high-definition televisions and eat and drink and smoke and play cards to their heart's content.

The ladies wing will be run by young homosexual men with a flair for fashion and interior decorating. The ladies can get their hair done, their nails done, and gossip all day. The fine young male pseudo-nurses can plan all the social events and make helpful hints regarding the latest fashions etc... Ladies, please flesh-out this concept as I am crippled with the kind of brain pictured above and can not comprehend much about the female perspective (thanks in advance).

CPR will not be performed correctly but may be requested by either the male or female residents for a time period not to exceed five minutes. When I close my eyes for the last time I think seeing a buxom young thing astride my chest, with her gravity defying cleavage moving in rhythmic motion ( and with just a hint of perspiration on her red rosy cheeks), will allow me to believe, if only for an instant, that I am headed for paradise.

This is where I want to die.

AS AMMENDED THANKS TO RESPONSES FROM THE LADIES: This should perhaps be the "Hooters / Pool-Boy / Queer-Eye" nursing home. Keep the queer-eye lads for decorating and social events. Pool or cabana boys for the ladies side. That would work. Thanks to RadGirl and MOW and others for this suggestion.


  1. we are currently studying the anatomy of the central nervous system...i believe this diagram my come in handy for my exam. :-D

  2. I would prefer the young men not be homosexual. Or at least have a few that aren't. Can I hang out on the old man's side? It sounds a little more fun.

  3. This post brings up some profound philosophical issues concerning the nature of man, morality and the existence of an eternal soul ... oh, wait, no it doesn't. My nurse has to have big titties.

  4. I'm with radioactive girl on this one. Now if you should have young men who displayed some testosterone I'm thinking you'd be onto something.

  5. Also need:

    Viagra/Cialis.. Preferably from a Pez dispenser. If it cause an "Unsafe drop in blood pressure" it should be optional to discontinue the use of the nitrates. if your gonna die, thats the way to go.

    Better insurance should definitely equal better nurses/better "service"

    As always, be prepared.
    Doc H, USN

  6. I like the touch of fashion, but can we have just a few GQ men that put out? They don't even have to cuddle or kiss afterwards....just do the it well.....and I'll call them when I need another fix.

  7. Planning for the future.6:18 PM, October 30, 2007

    I'm with 'my own woman'. Have a few studs on call around for the pole jobs. I'd hate to do forever without - even at 90. Yeah, and have a great bartender that knows how to flirt and mix fabulous margaritas. MMmmm.

  8. I have my own boobies, my own big-assed TV with my own football, and my own beer.

    Ergo, my house is already Hooters Home.

    Neener, neener.

  9. Monkeygirl.. are you single?

    I'm in love....

    Doc H USN

  10. This gives new meaning to the popular phrase "and you get the happy ending..."

  11. yay for hot pool boys ; ) I will die a happy woman then...

  12. I vote for the GQ, Bartenders, BoyToys that put out. Just cause we're old, doesn't mean we're blind or completely dried up!
    Just bring on the drinks, the guys and the KY.

  13. This is hysterical, but on a more serious note, I'd be willing to bet 90% of the poor bastards (non-gender specific in this case) who are brought in from the nursing home would PREFER this to their current existance.

    The other 10% would probably like bible verses read to them and hymns piped into the Muzak in addition to all of the other ammenities.

    A few weeks ago, I had a lady who was eaten up by metastatic cancer. It was literally everywhere. Even our Heme/Onc guys (who are pretty aggressive) had thrown in the towel. It would have been better if they'd thrown Saran Wrap at her and let it cover her face for about 8 minutes.....

    The poor lady was on enough narcotics to make a student in Amsterdam happy. She was on max dose Fentanyl Patches, and massive doses of MS Contin, and MS elixr(yes, unapproved abbreviations, but I trust that you can decipher the code).

    "Problem" was that she was barely breathing due to the massive narcotic load needed to keep her pain free. She was sent to the ER by Hospice since she was barely breathing.

    Very tiny doses of Narcan reversed the narcotic effect enough that she would breathe, but she also began to moan with severe pain.

    Her sister wanted EVERYTHING done for her and would not accept the idea that this poor woman was dying and needed/wanted to be comfortable. Since the patient was incompetant, I tried to explain her wishes to the sister (who was the next of kin). She would have none of it. She didn't care that the patient accepted a painless death and comfort over continued pain and pointless torture.

    She challenged (arms crossed and feet apart) that she would not accept that there wasn't a way to keep the patient lucid, treat her pain, and cure her widely metastatic cancer. She threatened legal action if we didn't comply with her demands.

    The poor patient died a couple of days later in agony. I am certain that this patient would have loved a pool boy or Queer Eye guy over her ultimate fate.

    So, one of your rules for admittance must be that only family members who have signed an agreement to honor patient's wishes be allowed to visit!

  14. way to bring us down, erdoc...

    bring on my buxom nurse performing CPR and the HDTV!