Dr. Q was one of those guys who wanted to be a doctor since he was 6. And not just ANY old doctor, but the Double-Dog-Dare of docs, a heart surgeon. The Navy had thrown a little rusty hemostat into his plans as Dr. Q would have to spend a few years diagnosing pilot's runny noses until leaving for Surgery residency and hopefully, cardiothoracic fellowship. He could tell you all about the different types of pacemakers and valves and coronary anatomical variants. Dr.Q just had one little problem (besides the fact he was 5'2" and had a voice like Sara Jessica Parker, but thats another story). He was CLUMSY!! Not just occasional "Oops"clumsy, but Homer Simpson melting down the Reactor clumsy. We did vasectomies at our clinic, primarily so we didn't have to see as many malingerers/patients at sickcall. One afternoon I recieved a stat overhead page to the procedure room, something that never happened, figuring it was a joke, I slipped on my Goucho Marx glasses and went to see what prank awaited me. Entering the room I was greeted by Dr. Q wearing his Lupes. Retreating to the corner, he whispered "I can't find the Vas!!"(The Vas is the little tube that carries you-know-what that you have to snip ) going into Marcus Welby mode, I reassuringly said "no big deal, the vas can be tricky to find sometimes..) "NO" he said, "I can't find the specimens" Dr. Q had indeed expertly clipped both sides and removed a segment to insure no ambitious sperm would ever make it out, however the vital tubes were nowhere to be found. Sort of important, as they had to be sent to the pathologist to prove we had removed the right thing. The patient never even looked up from his Maxim while this Tom Foolery went on, just satisfied he was getting his military free medical procedure. After a few minutes, we found one vas stuck up under the mayo stand, the other hiding under a sponge. Not being sure which was the left and which was the right, we guessed, and added (Mayo Stand) and (Sheet) to the specimen description space on the pathology form. Dr. Q is now a respected heart surgeon misplacing more important parts.
By golly, Frank, I just laughed coffee out my nose. Beautiful!
ReplyDeleteIf you get it wrong, I guess you can hope that the pathologist is busy masturbating with his Kermit the Frog puppet. My college roomate's Mom is a pathologist, and the family dog died while I was in Denver visiting. Mom took it to work, autopsied it and reported her findings to the family over dinner. They're different...krtxfi
ReplyDeleteI will neither confirm, nor deny, any suggestions that pathologists enjoy puppet related onanism.
ReplyDeleteWell, OK, I confirm it.
Yeah, thanks. I left the law to teach young children, and now you've completely robbed me of any joy or satisfaction I might experience in my new job. Any career suggestions, Dr. Sunshine?
ReplyDeleteI can attest that etotheipi was voted most likely to scorch his palms "boxing the clown" in high school. I have no reason to believe that his chronic puppet masterbating fetish ceased just because he is a "doctor", or whatever the f**k he is.
ReplyDeleteCase in point why nurses do not get paid enough!
ReplyDeleteI masturbate more at 46 than I did at 13, of course in 1975 I had a hot girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteI think Dr. E needs to ditch the Lexus, get a sports car with a bimbo riding shotgun. A live one.
ReplyDeleteI love this medblog! It's definitely the only one where the docs confess to self-abuse.
Hey Frank, I bet my girlfriend in 1975 was hotter (-:
ReplyDeleteDevorrah my dear, I prefer to call it "Cutting my Risk of Prostate Cancer". No kidding, check out the "2d Greatest Study" post from March 6th, and while you're at it, the "Greatest study ever done" preceding it.
ReplyDeleteDr. Q must have been the one to do my cousin's hernia surgery. They lost his belly button. I never could figure out why they cut it out to begin with, I mean he was like 6 when it happened and it not like he had folds and rolls of skin just hanging around. Anyway may God Bless Dr. Q and may he keep him far away from me.
ReplyDeleteOne night, 22 years ago, I held for an ABG on a sickly 26 weeker. The resident stuck the needle clean through the kid's wrist. He is now Dr. God, i.e. a Peds CV surgeon. I always smile when I see him sweep through the unit in his scrubs and suitcoat. Ah those misty water colored and blood-tinged memories...
ReplyDeleteP.S. You STOLE my word, you know and I know it. You owe me.
ReplyDeleteWho stole your word, Shari Ann? And what is it?
ReplyDeleteSorry, Frank, I'm a vegetarian (-: There is a REAL study that I've actually been quoted by Elliot Spitzeresque types: The progesterone in semen works as an anti-depressant when um, absorbed by women.
ReplyDeleteWell my dear Devorrah, I'm sort of the anti-vegetarian, having not ate a vegetable since 1973, but its cool, I won't joke about your leather purse:)
ReplyDeleteHmm, sure explains why my wife is depressed all the time.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, is there progesterone in semen? Seriously, I haven't read about hormones since Reagans first term. I made a whore moan once, but thats a different story.
ReplyDeleteTo read this blog and neglect the joy of reading the comments section would be a great waste of fantastic humor!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the laughs.
Surely the young man getting snipped was named Deborah Peel, Right?
ReplyDeleteVegetables are our friends, Frank. Just don't get too friendly, or you end up in the ER with hilarious x-rays.
ReplyDeleteScary, truly scary. Imagine being Dr. Q's patient on the table? You could never trust him again. That would be worse than hearing your dentist (or hairdresser) say ooooops.
ReplyDelete