Friday, May 08, 2009

100% Organic Swine Flu Cure (poll results)

Good for you readers! Only a few of you would pay $25 for an organic swine-flu cure. Here it is, get a small lump of coal (about the size of a marble... and not something soaked in an accelerant... pure carbon in other words), mix into a fine powder, add a bit of water (admittedly this makes is a bit less than 100% 'organic'), and drink (after checking with your local poison center and making sure this is okay and agreeing in writing to hold us harmless for your upset tummy). Wait 7 days. Cured. Those of you following this advice may send your $25 donation checks to the NRA on our behalf.


  1. I often read this blog, and I usually enjoy your posts. However, I think this is very disrespectful to the families of the people who died of swine flu. Waiting seven days was clearly not a cure for them. The post also downplays how severe influenza can be. I have asthma, and if I contracted the flu, swine or not, there is a very real possibility that I would die. People are right to be afraid, and mocking the desire for a cure is in very poor taste.

  2. dear anonymous,
    i often read your comments and usually enjoy them. however, i think the comedy of this post is beyond you and your petrified, self-centered way of looking at the world. i will try to post a link shortly to a website where you can get calendars with cute pictures of kittens or something. in the meantime, i remain, as always, your humble servant.

  3. Anon,

    Sucks to be you.

    If you are brittle enough to succumb to a weaker form of the general flu, you should be in no condition to type on a keyboard.

    Cull the herd!

  4. I talked to an ER doc the other day and he called it the "CNN Flu". The media was just drooling waiting for that first case to hit the US. Typical.

    ~A different Anon.

  5. But but but 911, Cynic, other anon,

    We're all going to DIE. The News told me. It's going to be 1918 all over again!

  6. Fear-mongering at it's finest!

  7. Roman..we ARE all gonna die, it is just a matter of timing!

    And I would have guessed the 'organic cure" to be a bowl of homemade chicken soup and a DVD of old Three Stooges shorts....with a 100% organic cotton hanky!

    Pattie, RN

    ANON the First: Do you realize how many people have asthma, myself included? So far, updrafts have not removed my sense of humor or driven a stick up my butt. Really.

  8. Disgruntled Internist6:57 AM, May 11, 2009

    And here I've been recommending a diet of bacon, ham, pork loin and bratwurst. It's the "hair of the dog that bit you" theory of therapeutics.

  9. Doc:

    I tried your cure. Now I will be in your ER, asking about this black stool I seem to be cursed with.

  10. Disgruntled,

    You really should recommend this to your patients. Heart failure waiting to happen.

  11. Anon 12:42,
    I also have asthma. I stopped breathing twice as a baby and turned blue, my parents had to call an ambulance both times. But I'm not afraid of the swine flu. I've had regular flu several times, pneumonia several times over the years. They are nasty, but I'm not afraid.

    Deal with it, or ignore it, but don't let it run your life.


  12. You have two choices, you control your disease, or you let your disease control you. It is quite simple. I say it all day long.

    If you chose to let your disease control you, so be it. I just don't want to hear your dumbass whining about it.

    A good one I heard the other day is where do you find sympathy in the dictionary ? Right between shit and syphilis.

  13. sorry Matt M,
    shoulda warned you about the black stool thing. neat party trick though.

  14. I voted for the organic swine flu cure because I was afraid no one else would and then there would be no one to ridicule with the results.

    Oh, don't mention it - happy to help.

  15. Disgruntled Internist6:26 PM, May 12, 2009

    Roman--That looks like a damn fine entree for Memorial Day weekend. In fact, I AM going to recommend the Bacon Explosion as a swine flu treatment. Who cares about it causing heart failure? At least then my patients would have something other than "fibromyalgia."

  16. ....speaking of "fibromyalgia", when DID being a whiner about every-day aches and pains become a diagnosis???

    Have you ever seen a fibromylageur with a productive life??

    I have a host of "problems" that could likely get me SSDI, but I take my Ultram and Motrin and go to work every day. Wimps piss me off......

    Pattie, RN