MDOD Navel Gazing: Episode II: Etothepi Strikes Back

I put together this little Q+A with the goal of re-introducing the MDOD contributors and, hopefully, get the gang back into posting on the blog. My absence has been due to electroconvulsive therapy for CMS*.

Name/Specialty: Etothepi, Pathology Boarded. Star Sign: Cancer (ironic?)

1. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist or Democratic Party?
I went to college at an institution that makes West Point look like UC Berkeley. I was forever cured of leftist politics.

2. Aside from scoring tons of chicks (or dudes if you are into that), why did you go into medicine?
To paraphrase 'Dre: Glocks, Blunts and Ho's. Also I like science and a professorship sounded extremely unappealing. I don't like people that much so pathology called.

3. If you had a magic wand, what would you change in medicine (and NO, you can't use it on your own penis / vagina)?
I would make everyone stop being sick. Dumbass.
Or: I would wave my wand and make the VA system provide free lifelong care to anyone who walked through the door and concurrently allow all other hospitals to function within a minimally regulated free market. If you want quality, pay for it, bitch.

4. Summarize the meaning of life in Haiku form.
That soup sure is hot /
Probably should not stir it /
With my erection.

5. Name one book, one movie and one piece of art you would immortalize and one of each that you would destroy permanently.
Immortalize:
book - Novel: The Crying of Lot 49 (Pynchon); Graphic Novel: Watchmen (Moore); Non-fiction: The Emperor's New Mind (Penrose); Medical: Rosai's Surgical Pathology; Porn: Hustler (circa 1979).
movie - Empire and Fight Club.
art: Rodin's Gates of Hell. (or was that Motley Crue?)
Destroy:
book - I would gather every copy of the entire Harry Potter and Twilight series and burn them in a massive pile in front of every 13 year old girl in America then laugh in the orange glow of the smouldering embers.
movie - Any movie with Andie MacDowell in it. Whenever she walks on screen I am reminded of the pointlessness and cruelty of the universe.
art - Any contemporary painting / sculpture / building where the creative impulse of the artist is clearly wildly unmatched by his level of skill.

6. If you lost your job tomorrow and could not get any job related to medicine, what would you do?
Finance or Math teacher, depending on whether I wanted to be rich or poor.

7. If you could, one time only, travel back in time, would you do it and what choices would you make differently? If "yes", then, are you insane? Have you SEEN "The Butterfly Effect" with Aston Kutcher?
Like Edith Piaf, I regret nothing.

8. Do you play and instrument? Are you good? (Answering: "Yes, the skin flute, and I'm great!", is not acceptable).
Bass guitar. I suck ass. I used to be in a band in high school that was composed of three talented musicians and me - hence, bass guitar.

9. What is the biggest mistake you have made professionally?
Missed a desmoplastic melanoma. Guy died within two years. I still feel bad.

10. How would you kill yourself if you were forced to move to France?
I would put on a beret, a blue and white horizontally striped shirt and smoke a Gitanes in the middle of the Champs-Elyse and throw myself under a tank during the Bastille Day parade.

11. Worst part of your job? Best part?
Worst: Pap smears. Beyond boring. Except for the fact that it is fun to mutter "slut" whenever you see sperm.
Best: Making a life changing diagnosis.

12. How certain are you that God does / does not exist? Give percentages.
1%/99%. Hope I'm wrong.

*Chronic Masturbation Syndrome (see DSM4 for details)