Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Harry Potter Medicine

The Lord speaks things into creation. Congress craps them into creation. Obama conjures them. Nevertheless, in keeping with our new direction of positivity I offer the following.

Above you see my suggestion for the symbol for whatever government agency gets to control all of this wonderful reform.

Also, given that C.A.M. and holistic health will probably be reimbursed at a rate similar to my very practical and "science based" medicine, my plan to learn accupressure is out.

But cash on the barrel... Now I'll take that. I have decided to enter the "food supplement" market. Quietus and Enzyte... go screw yourselves, there's a new Sherrif in town.

At first I thought I would offer a cure for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. But then I remembered the patients that have these diseases and remembered that they identify them as "my fibro" and "my chronic fatigue syndrome", so I thought that the product might not sell well.

Accordingly, I am going to create a cure for logical thought. How do you like LOGICNULL? I plan to use it first on myself as logic is a very painful thing these days. I can't tell you all the ingredients, but it will include portions of unicorn-horn, phoenix feather, and gypsy tears.

Don't panic, all is well.... all is well.


  1. Are you serious??
    I WISH I made as much as a Chiropractor...
    In fact, I was at MY Chiropractor's last week, (no Money, its one of those One hand Massages the Other's Trapezius Deals...)and she wasn't worried at all, she doesn't even deal with insurance, cash on the barrell head, and she doesnt even charge extra to walk on your back with 5 inch stilletoes...
    And wait till that Pubic Option gets here...
    I gotta see a Quack about a Back...


  2. HOLY SHIT frank, you are right. i just wrote nonsense... the whole idea for the LOGICURE food supplement is that it's cash on the barrel. i don't want a fucking IOU from the worst president since that smithers guy.

  3. Gyspy tears are real, though.

    I think they're technically human waste, too.

  4. Obama is going to pay for all my healthcare? Yay! I don't have to worry about a thing now. I'll quit my job and drink vodka/vicodin shakes.

  5. dear bulrush,
    that's a helluva cocktail! just remember, so that you may live long enough to enjoy all the wonders of obamacare (waiting for my cock-shortening operation myself...) make sure never to take more than 7grams of tylenol or so in a short period of time. other than that, party on dude.

  6. 911doc,
    I thought that recent studies showed that liver damage started with 2 grams of Tylenol in a 24 hour period. Correct me if I misremember.

  7. dear bulrush,

    that can't be true because the recommended dose on extra strength tylenol is up to 1g every four hours ad infinitum. besides that, i don't know what it means to say that liver damage 'starts' with a certain dose. the method of liver damage with tylenol is more of a 'yes' v 'no' proposition than a continuum (though i understand there are elements of it that are like a continuum). what' eva... do what i want.

  8. OMG. 911, where did you find that picture? My 6 year old is going to have a fit when I show it to her.