Friday, February 17, 2012

Addicted or Dependent?

addiction  ad·dic·tion (ə-dĭk'shən)
 Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one's voluntary control.

dependence  de·pend·ence (dĭ-pěn'dəns)
  1.  The state of being dependent, as for support.
  2.  Subordination to someone or something needed or greatly desired.
  3.  A compulsive or chronic need; an addiction.

After a discussion with a co-worker earlier this week, I have come to a grim realization.  Many in my line of work, myself included, are addicted.  Or are we dependent?  I’m wrestling between the two definitions.  It doesn’t help that when I reference the definition for the word “dependence” its definition includes the term “addiction.”  The thin line I have used at work to distinguish between the two is this: does this person have a legitimate condition which led to the use of this “drug” in the first place? 

I am ashamed to admit that I cannot clearly identify whether I have a psychological or physiologic need for my drug.  I’ve been a user for 18 years, on and off!  I don’t know if I could ever stop.  Even if the drug starts destroying my body, which it feels like it has, I’m not sure I could quit.  I could change drugs, but worry that I wouldn’t get the same high.  Not to mention that this drug is so easily accessible.  Other drugs would cost more, or I would have to look harder to find them.  If I switch to a new drug, it might be harder to get high.  I have spent long periods of time without it, but my co-workers will tell you that if I haven’t used in a few days, their first clue is that I look run down.  I become easily irritable.  I stop wearing makeup or doing my hair because I feel so crappy on the inside, I want it to show on the outside.  But when I get my fix, the world starts spinning on its axis again.  Even though a few of the drug’s effects are physically painful, I feel great.  I wake up at 4am because I want to get my fix before clinic opens at 6:30. 

Until recently, I didn’t think I experienced withdrawal symptoms when I didn’t use.  Today, I didn’t use until later in the day.  When I did, it was because I felt like crap.  I’d been dragging ass all day.  I assumed it was because I was up feeding the baby in the middle of the night, but not even a 2 hour nap in the mid-morning helped.  It wasn’t until I went in the garage and got high that I felt right again. 

Hi, I’m Old Trou PA and I’m addicted to running.


  1. I love this. I feel this. I am this.

    I thought I smelled estrogen coming from my Favorites list today. Rock on.

    1. Hey "...", just read your profile. Looks like we have lots in common. To include the fact that I almost named my newborn son Sawyer. :D

    2. It's a GREAT name!! I get comments about it all the time. (Especially Sawyer James. Yeah, we're fans of Lost, but we didn't do that on purpose).

  2. you should try oxycodone... it's much less taxing on your body, at least initially, and you can sit calmly on the couch and chillax. it's quite the rage these days, everyone is doing it. running? that's how you get stress fractures.

  3. oh, and to poke my finger in the eye of the 'addiction' school.... you need to admit your powerlessness over your addiction, you need to admit you have a problem. if you don't do this you are in denial. then you must do the twelve steps (without running) and then you will be in recovery from this disease for the rest of your life. oh, by the way, relapses are part of your recovery so expect them. make sense? it's called 'science'. and careful, the disease is catchin'.

  4. So many Questions...
    You get high in the garage too?
    and what clinic opens at 6:30am?
    Oh yeah, that 2hr midmorning nap.
    Gee, I'd like to have a job where I could take a 2hr midmorning nap, Oh yeah, I do.
    and you can't use the word your trying to define in the definition, gotta fix that if you wanta move up the Medical Provider Food Chain...
    Thought this was one of 9-11's posts till I got to the part about hair and makeup...
    and I used to run, back in the day, even have a Peachtree Roadrace T-shirt from 1983, back when they didnt care if you ran the whole 10K.
    and Rosie Ruiz is still the winner of the 1980 Boston Marathon in my book...
    but it came down to running, or my significant other, and the running was just causing to much time away from my real love,
    And you ever try running 5 miles AFTER sex?
    Or while your (redacted)? almost got arrested...
    Or while your stuck in traffic? or while a crew of Equadorans mulch your backyard?(ya gotta mulch)you'd just look rediculous.
    or try to have a meaningful conservation with your daughter, you know, the one where you try and subluminally turn them against men, while your running?
    it'd be like "Gasp, Men, Huff, Suck, Puff, Wheeze"
    instead of Rico Suave-ly blowing a smoke ring, lighting your daughters Marlboro light with one hand, tossing a ball for the dog with the other, while pretending to listen to there latest tail of romantic woe...
    Or even creepier, run with your Mom?
    nope, theres some thangs that only go good with a Cigarette,
    like takin a dump
    and ya gotta do somethin bout that nickname, cause it's too close to "Drop Trou"
    see, thats a Girl Thang, yall don't ridicule each others physical and social shortcomings openly, like we Mens do, its why yall get your pantys in a wad at expressions like "panty's in a wad"...

  5. Frank, maybe you'll move a little further up the medical food chain if you stop using apostrophes to pluralize words like panty. Last I checked, the plural form of that particular word is "panties." :D Out-of-place apostrophes are one of those things that get my panties in a wad... or sand in my twa...

  6. Whoa Sweet Thang!
    and who looks up "panties" in the dictionary anyway? and besides, if we're gonna go all English Comp, your post has 38 "I"s while my reply has only 5.
    and BTW 9-11 you used "Gender" wrong in the description of your blog, might wanta watch that...


  7. we no likey the spam. bye bye spam.

  8. Are you all better 911?


  9. I'm mostly better. I got to see the cauterization site on the rigid scope the other day and got to see the ENT pull out some huge boogers. It was cool. I think I am out of the danger zone, but I'm not quite fully back to it. Luckily I have this guvmn't job.... If I were in the ER right now I would be lamenting my position as doctor versus patient. When that starts happening, when you start wanting to trade with yoru patients... that's the big red flag don't you think? But I am on the mend for sure. Thanks SCRN.

  10. Pretty hard to see all those beds and know that none of them can be yours ;(

    Awww. My intuition told me that you probably didn't get much postop follow up, tips and tricks of the trade from anybody.

    Sheesh, didn't they know? You're just an MD. How are you supposed to know about that kind of stuff? (not kidding). Be it a MD or a RN, if you're the patient, you'll probably get half-assed care...


  11. Sorry, I just can't let this go.
    I'm Southern, thats what we do, its Heritage, not Hate, Yankee.
    Well maybe a little hate.
    and you know the last time I saw my Mom cry was when Dale Earnhart died...
    You used "Rigid" and "Pullout" in the same sentence.
    I'd almost call you a Homo, but you redeemed yourself with the "Danger Zone" reference.
    And your not a real Sand Crab till you tell us how much your elective medical procedure would have cost if you wernt firmly planted on the Government teat...
    Hey, I used to do the same thing when I used to sit in the Sauna,
    Some creepy dude would come in, plomp down right next to me, when there was a whole Sauna's worth of empty spaces,
    I'd say, "Guess how much my Vasectomy cost"
    then they'd leave before they even broke a decent Schwitz...


  12. You're speaking my language.

  13. Since Frank is off topic...
    Are you gonna watch American Idol with me this season 911?

    This, is my homegirl. So proud.!



  15. I had to look up WTH Dance Moms was -- which makes me wonder how stir crazy you got recovering at home. Idol is not that bad, well yes it is,
    you can't deny the three at Ali's benefit were great, tho. She's a big deal around home.


  16. OK, 911 I can't watch anymore of this season of Idol. They are all JUST AWFUL this time.

    Kinda PO'd cause I need a mindless (but entertaining) show to watch to de-stress.