Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one's voluntary control.
dependence de·pend·ence (dĭ-pěn'dəns)
- The state of being dependent, as for support.
- Subordination to someone or something needed or greatly desired.
- A compulsive or chronic need; an addiction.
After a discussion with a co-worker earlier this week, I have come to a grim realization. Many in my line of work, myself included, are addicted. Or are we dependent? I’m wrestling between the two definitions. It doesn’t help that when I reference the definition for the word “dependence” its definition includes the term “addiction.” The thin line I have used at work to distinguish between the two is this: does this person have a legitimate condition which led to the use of this “drug” in the first place?
I am ashamed to admit that I cannot clearly identify whether I have a psychological or physiologic need for my drug. I’ve been a user for 18 years, on and off! I don’t know if I could ever stop. Even if the drug starts destroying my body, which it feels like it has, I’m not sure I could quit. I could change drugs, but worry that I wouldn’t get the same high. Not to mention that this drug is so easily accessible. Other drugs would cost more, or I would have to look harder to find them. If I switch to a new drug, it might be harder to get high. I have spent long periods of time without it, but my co-workers will tell you that if I haven’t used in a few days, their first clue is that I look run down. I become easily irritable. I stop wearing makeup or doing my hair because I feel so crappy on the inside, I want it to show on the outside. But when I get my fix, the world starts spinning on its axis again. Even though a few of the drug’s effects are physically painful, I feel great. I wake up at 4am because I want to get my fix before clinic opens at 6:30.
Until recently, I didn’t think I experienced withdrawal symptoms when I didn’t use. Today, I didn’t use until later in the day. When I did, it was because I felt like crap. I’d been dragging ass all day. I assumed it was because I was up feeding the baby in the middle of the night, but not even a 2 hour nap in the mid-morning helped. It wasn’t until I went in the garage and got high that I felt right again.
Hi, I’m Old Trou PA and I’m addicted to running.