Three Patients

I had some truly memorable patients last week.

There was the old burned out alcoholic dude who hadn't been seen in a couple of weeks. When "friends" went by to drop off his liquor, they noted a rotting smell in the house and called 911. The old dad was covered in stool and pee, but the stench of rot was pretty strong too. As we hunted for the source of the decay, we found our way to his feet. His left sock was hard like a cast and reeked of death. As we cut it away, pus poured fourth, and as we pulled it off, skin, muscle, and a couple of toes came with it!

The next day, I gave that nurse "The Black Sock Award" for his efforts (a black sock stuffed with a jar of chicken gravy).

Then there was the 14 year old girl who decided to have sex for the first time (at least with someone else). She may have learned many things that evening, but the most enduring was that she is allergic to latex condoms. Her labia minora looked like Barak Obama's ears!

But my favorite patient was the 19 year old about 20 weeks pregnant with her first child. She came in because she was "leaking". Upon further questioning, she told the nurse that she thought she was either "ejaculating on" herself, or "squirting out that fluid that's supposed to be around the baby".

As I took more history from the patient, she explained that her "Mama" always taught her to smell everything that came out of her, so of course it was reasonable to ask what her current vaginal drainage smelled like. She thought long and hard before she answered: "Beer" (that has to be a first).

The next most reasonable question was to ask if she had noted any discharges that smelled like wine? She had to think about it, but decided that she had not.

At this point, the nurse and I excused ourselves because we were both too amused and creeped out to continue.

Later, I sent the nurse back to get ready for the pelvic, and when I entered the room wearing a surgical mask and eye protection, I thought the nurse was going to explode.

Upon exam, the patient had Trichomonas, which has NEVER smelled like beer (unless you like beer made from fish).

I love my job!

P.S. These events were the highlights of my week and illustrate why it is so hard for ER Docs to have appropriate dinner conversations with "normal, regular people".