Saturday, June 19, 2010


Constipation is a big problem. As I have gotten older even I have not escaped it's wrath. I recently found a holistic solution. 3 days ago, backed up like grandma after all you can eat ribs at the Golden Corral, I had the radio on and a sappy Peter Cetera song came on. I started to have some grumbling at that point. Suddenly dear leader Obama came on the TV with sidekick Biden in the background and voila, shitting like a caged 'coon. After some experimentation I realized that the combination of these two things caused a severe peristaltic reaction, and it was repeatable. It also works with most Joshua Kadison, but visually it has to be Obama (Biden was just a plus). I have made a montage with pictures and background music and am prescribing it to all of my elderly patients, depending on which artist they like the best (worst). Drug free and a colon you could eat off of. DVDs available soon online.


  1. OMG. The poor Queen of England! She must have the terminal squirts, unless she garage saled that gift ... God save the Queen!

  2. I assume you must have loaded up on reglan and zofran to staunch you gag reflex? Be cautious with this approach in your stopped up patients - feculant emesis is not a pretty site.

  3. Why do people think they have to take a dump every day??? Do you have sex every day?
    And sex with yourself doesn't count.
    Personally I find 3 pieces of Piggly Wiggly's cheapest Bacon and a cup of Louzianne Coffee(like my Women, Sweet & Black) triggers my gastrocolic reflex more reliably than Jimmy Carter. Didn't even need a bowel prep when I got my colonoscopy, the dot-head GI guy said my colon was as clean as Mother Teresa's background check. And is there a better feeling than readin the mornin paper, smokin a cig, and droppin a Deuce???


  4. is there a better feeling than readin the mornin paper, smokin a cig, and droppin a Deuce???

    Yeah ... what is with that? Why would you want to make an excursion out of it? My dad used to go around and collect his provisions before heading to the thought pot. I once saw him gather up a magazine, an ashtray, cigarettes, a cup of coffee and a calculator before he headed in there. I have no idea about that calculator bit, and food/drink does not belong in the bathroom to my way of thinking.

    Since we only had one bathroom, and there were seven of us in our family, it paid to pay attention. When dad went to gathering up supplies, there was always a run on the bathroom.

  5. I used to have a problem with that same issue (Har!), when I saw Elvis on the big screen, as a kid. I later realized it wasn't Elvis, so much as the hideous closeups, combined with him being projected as some sort of giant. The skin pores and makeup were too much at that magnification.

    Similarly, Obama causes rumbles in my nethers, but it's mostly the magnification of him by others that does it. I don't have nearly the same response when I casually observe his blustering mediocrity.

  6. Having studied the art of Recto-Colonology for an incredible number of movements I have come to the realization that the Recto-Colon (R-C) is the center of the universe and the most important organ system in the body. The following are observations that are pertinent to the subject.
    • The R-C can distinguish gas, liquid and solid without seeing, smelling, hearing or even using digital tactile sensation.
    • The R-C can alter the organisms’ mood and feeling of wellbeing at a moment’s notice.
    • The R-C can alter the mood and feeling of wellbeing of anyone around it at a moment’s notice.
    • The R-C is very sensitive to the emotional needs of the organism. It can bring great joy and laughter when properly used. It can also bring great embarrassment and harassment when ineffectively used.
    • If the R-C is sad it will shut down and then all is lost. It must be kept content at all costs.
    • The R-C is quick to action when we are young and so very slow to action when we get older. The only solution is an effective exercise program which includes calisthenics and meditation.
    • Last by not least. Education and training is the key to a fine relationship with your R-C.