Saturday, August 21, 2010

The ER Ruins a Great Movie for Me

Watched this with the kids the other day. This song stuck in my head because darling Veruca reminded me so much of so many of my ER patients. Here Mr. Salt stands in for ACEP, Obama, or your personal bete noir. Mr. Wonka has one up on us ER docs however, as he is allowed to say 'no'. Updated lyrics follow the song.

Veruca: IM! IVs! I want my IV to be a Demerol PCA!

ER Doc: It will, sweetheart.

Veruca: At least a hundred an hour!

ER Doc: Anything you say.

Veruca: And by the wayyyyyy...

ER Doc: What?

Veruca: I want a feast.

ER Doc: Oh, I’m sorry, you’re NPO.

Veruca: I want a starbucks!

ER Doc: Oh, one of those, there’s one in the lobby.

Veruca: Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts so good you could go nuts!

ER Doc: But Ma’am you said you had abdominal pain and vomiting, I think you should wait for that.

Veruca: No, now!!

I want lipo!
I want a boob-job!
I want teeth-whitenting and laser hair litening and vaginal tightening…
Give it to me! Rrhh rhhh! Now!

I want a rating (disability)!
I want free parking!
I want a handicapped placard forever
For inclement weather...
Give it to me!

I want today, I want tomorrow...
Obama is paying so here I am staying you know what I'm saying!
Don’t care how, I want it now!

Give me the call button!
The freaking nurse call button!
This IV is faulty the food is too salty
The ativan too halty….

Someone will pay!

I want a private room on the corner
With a view of the sunset and ‘rise...

And if I don't get the things I am after…
I'm going to ‘seize'!

I want the works!
I want the whole works!
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now...
Don't care how
I want it now!

Don't care how I want it nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…………..
(death panel drone enters quietly, administers succinycholine)- FINIS


  1. Veruca was one of the first deposits in my Spank Bank...

  2. Hmmmmm. How much for the chute?

  3. well CJ... i assume you mean the chute in which veruca is disposed... but since your comment came in right after frank's and then mine about frank's impulsive sexual nature... i wondered, for just a second, if you were, in fact, talking about the chute from the movie clip. i mean, you might be propositioning frank for all i know.

  4. Some men see things as they are and ask "Why??"
    I see Urula Andress's tits in "Dr. No" and
    day "Dat's Wat I'm Talkin' Bout'!!!!"

    Frank "Happily Married" Drackman

  5. This post made me literally laugh out loud. :)